When I’m upset, I like to write the pain down. I might just let you in to one of my rants—usually nobody sees into my heart this deep… partly because I don’t think anybody but God would understand my feelings. And sometimes, my ranting is because I’m upset with God.
I guess, this time, I’m confused by God. He gives me these convictions, STRONG convictions about how I should live my life. If I am starting to steer down a certain wayward path, my heart is heavy with guilt until I respond to the conviction. I am grateful to God for allowing his Spirit to guide me so well, but I am also selfishly resentful of it too.
Have you ever felt sorry for yourself? I mean, really felt sorry for yourself? To the point of thinking you deserved something more and God was withholding it from you for whatever purpose? I hate admitting this, but I catch myself thinking that a lot. As a single woman in the missionary field, you might be able to imagine which aspect of life I feel God is withholding from me. hint hint. While being here, I have gone through quite a struggle in that area. I don’t know if I thought because I followed God to Rwanda then He would reward me with a relationship. A part of me, I know, hoped so. But a relationship as a reward? That is like saying God’s grace is a reward for doing good deeds. Silly talk. I’ve had a wrong perception up until this year that I have to be at a certain spiritual level for God to “Ok” me for marriage. This made me believe that I had to work harder at my relationship with God in order to have him approve me being in a relationship with anybody else. I came to the conclusion a few months ago that this was a complete lie. Since then, I’ve realized that God might select those of his children to be single- not as punishment, but as a specific calling, I have been more at peace with it. This is why I am glad God gives me such strong convictions. The Spirit guides, protects, and sustains those who are seeking God’s will.
Even though I’ve experienced peace about being single, I still desire to be loved, cared for, and cherished. Not to be conceded, but if I wanted it badly enough, I could have a dating relationship easy enough. But part of the cost of following Jesus is giving up selfish desires for godly desires that matter to the Kingdom of God. I know how a relationship would benefit me, but how would a relationship benefit the Kingdom of God? If my sadness over being single is a part of the cost of following Jesus, then it is only a testament to the genuine faith God has instilled in me. If I have to keep choosing one or the other, I can’t imagine God would lose a round.
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