Slaves in the land the Lord gave them

I’ve been on a journey reading my way through the Old Testament for almost 2 years now.  I’m not nearly finished; partially because I switch in some New Testament reading some days and partially because sometimes I get stuck on one chapter and I can’t seem to move past it.  Well, this is one of those times I’m stuck.  I can’t move past Nehemiah 9.  It’s like light to a moth… I can’t help it; it’s so beautiful!  <--quote taken from A Bug’s Life

The whole chapter is a prayer.  Not a prayer like I’ve ever prayed.  A prayer that gives a history lesson of what God has done to bring His people to the promise land and how their ancestors have sinned horribly against God even while He was so faithful in providing for them.  (If you want a brief synopsis of the OT, just read Nehemiah 9.)  I’m stuck here because this prayer is so raw and relatable.  Some examples of their prayers are, “YOU warned them (their ancestors) to return to your Law, but they became proud and obstinate and disobeyed your commands… WE have sinned greatly, you gave us only what we deserved…”  It doesn’t give much room for them to hide their flaws individually or as a group of people.  They also point out to God things like, “YOU displayed miraculous signs and wonders against Pharaoh…  YOU came down at Mount Sinai and spoke to them from heaven… YOU gave them bread from heaven when they were hungry…”  While this prayer also speaks personally for me in the fact that God used this history to bring forth Jesus Christ, who miraculously came from this far-from-perfect group of people, I see even more depth to it than that. 

The last paragraph in Nehemiah 9 sums up with, “So now today we are slaves in the land of plenty that You gave our ancestors for their enjoyment!  We are slaves here in this good land.  The lush produce of this land piles up in the hands of the kings whom you have set over us because of our sins.  They have power over us and our livestock.  We serve them at their pleasure, and we are in great misery.” 

I just keep seeing the irony in that they were enslaved by the very thing that God meant for them to enjoy.  But instead, it taunted them and was a constant reminder of how their sins and their ancestors’ sins got in the way of living out what God intended for them.   This whole prayer is full of repentance, not blame.  It would have been easy for them to blame their ancestors for not being obedient; to blame God for seemingly not holding true to all of His promises.  Blaming is easy.  But they didn’t blame anyone.  They even took responsibility for their ancestors mistakes!  What?  They saw how their own sins got them in this predicament and recognized that their ancestors’ sins were no greater than their own.  They saw that God was being just as well as merciful.

I also think about life and how God gives us all blessings of some sort.  For me, he has blessed me with a wonderful family, sincere friendships, a clear purpose in life, stable health, etc.  However, I am not immune to becoming a slave to any of these things.  What God gives us to enjoy, can easily become a replacement for God’s place in our lives.  We become slaves to the things we worship.  If our lives are all about making and maintaining friends, then friends become our Lord.  If our lives are all about finding and achieving purpose for our lives, then our quest soon becomes what we worship.  While none of these things are inherently bad, they have the potential to take over the throne of Jesus Christ in our hearts.  Whenever this happens on whatever scale, we are miserable human beings.  Why?  Because we were made to worship only one God.  When we worship and serve His creation instead of Him, we end up feeling unfulfilled and incomplete.  Deep down we all know there is more to life than any of us can really experience while on this earth.  I speak in “we” because this is where I am and hope that others can relate to my state.  I want to live the fullness of life that God has for me, but like God’s people in Nehemiah, I recognize that my sins interfere with this far too often.  Even other people’s sins can interrupt what God intended for me to enjoy, just like the ancestor’s sins made a mess for future generations being slaves in the land of plenty.  While that’s true, nothing can interrupt or interfere with God’s love for us or His ultimate plan to redeem us through His Son Jesus Christ.  Nothing.  That is where my hope lies in the midst of this mess of sin.  Where else could I find hope? 

Does God really care?

Two things I know: God is able and God is good.  Ironically these are two statements I see written on buses, signs of shops, and random mud houses in villages all over Rwanda.  Looks like most Rwandans know this too.  Even when knowing these two things, there is still so much I don’t know… or that I haven’t had tattooed on my heart yet. 

It’s one thing to know God’s character and power.  It’s another to know in your heart that God cares about you.  Today I was struck with the realization that I often reflect on the fact that God is in control and that He is in fact a good God, therefore He will make things work out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. (Rom 8:28) However, not often enough do I reflect on the fact that God accepts me for who I am.  But he doesn’t accept me for what I do or fail to do.  Nope.  He accepts me because of what Jesus did on my behalf.  Today, being reminded of that was such a relief!  The fact is, God cares!  He cares enough to go to the ends of the earth to make Himself available to me and to you.  If He is willing to let His only son die a gruesome death in order for us to know how deep His love is for us, then what other evidence do I need to be convinced that God cares about me?  When I remember that beyond my failures and triumphs, God sees me with the same unconditional love, I have freedom to live without fear, anxiety, or doubt of whether or not God is listening to my prayers. 

I’ve been reading this book called “The Ultimate Conversation” by Charles Stanley.  So far the biggest thing stressed in this book about prayer is that our view of God directly affects how we pray.  Why would I take the time to sit and talk with God if I didn’t believe in my heart that He truly cares about me?  I wouldn’t… I don’t feel comfortable sharing my heart with someone who is indifferent about my life.  Even if I believed that person to be a good person with lots of power, I still wouldn’t.  I need to know they care about me. 

For my prayer life to strengthen, my view of God’s love for me must get stronger.  It’s not about trying to be overly holy or proving to God that I trust Him.  It’s all about getting to know my Maker and my Savior and being changed by His love. 

RELAX

I’ve had a week of addressing legitimate concerns that directly affect me and Rwanda Young Life.  I spent all day yesterday on the phone with various people trying to find a solution to the problems at hand.  In my mind, I had good reason for freaking out.  I had all reasons to lose it completely, if I wanted to.  However, just about every African I talked to about my problem told me to relax.

RELAX?!  Seriously?  That’s your solution?  I was so annoyed by this reaction because I couldn’t see a way to “relax” when I felt I had to spring into action and conquer all.  I had to figure something out or else the consequences were going to be catastrophic to my being in Rwanda.  I had to review all my options so that I would know which direction was best.  I had to be in control.  I had to have control.  I had to. 

What if I didn’t? 

You know, I’ve realized something about myself.  While I profess faith, I have very little.  Living in Africa is difficult for many reasons, but is easy for one.  There are so many faith filled people who live here.  All those people who told me to relax weren’t saying it to frustrate me or to condemn me for not having faith.  They were telling me to relax because they loved me and wanted me to experience the faith they had in our very BIG God.  The faith that brings peace beyond our understanding.  The faith that proclaims God as sovereign over our whole life & the whole world.  The faith that responds with thanksgiving when facing trials.  The faith that moves mountains.  The faith that heals.  The faith that always wins because God is on our side. 

On my way home after taking a step of faith to inquire with immigration about getting a visa, I saw the word “RELAX” stamped on the back of a car.  My response: “I surrender… I will relax in Jesus Christ.  May His will be done.” 

Settling in

List of things accomplished in the month of May:

Finished the school year strong with Young Life water club and a cookout

 

Gave thanks for an incredibly reliable and dedicated group of volunteer YL leaders here in Kigali

Said goodbye to a lot of good friends… most of which have moved back to the States for many different reasons

 

Said hello to a lot of new and old friends… I need to be taking more pictures for more evidence of this

 

Moved into a big awesome house that I hope will be my home for the next 3 years

Bought a Rav 4 with a rockin’ stereo and some rad detailing featured in the 90’s

Inherited a dog named Dagger, who is a joyful presence in our home as well as the pickiest eater I’ve ever met :)

God’s Plan Wins

Somehow… I made it to Kigali!  There were a few times throughout the last ten months that I doubted I’d make it back.  One of those times was on my way here.  Ok, I didn’t actually think I wouldn’t make it back, but it was not an easy road to take.  Or should I say flight to take. 

Sitting in the Louisville airport, watching a dozen people speaking frantically with flight attendants at my terminal was my first sign that it wasn’t a great day for flying.  My flight had already been delayed to where I would need to book it to get on my next flight once I arrived in Chicago.  Prior to this point, I was so thrilled about my flight schedule.  I somehow got away with finding at 21 hour flight to Kigali with only 3 legs and short layovers.  (Short layovers are only good when everything else goes according to plan.  Lesson learned.)  I also was scheduled to arrive in Kigali on Saturday night, which meant that I’d be able to hang out with friends all day Sunday before I left for YL training on Monday. 

Once my flight’s delay got longer and longer, I realized there was really no hope in being able to make my flight to Istanbul.  Nobody on American Airlines could help me because they didn’t have access to anything Turkish Airlines.  When I arrived to Chicago at 11pm, my flight was long gone by 45 minutes.  I was instructed by my flight attendant to go to the Turkish Airlines desk to inquire about rescheduling my flight.  Just a side note, the Chicago O’Hare airport is huge.  Moving on.  By the time I got to the International terminal, nobody was there besides one airline.  I talked to a guy who told me, “Everybody went to bed.  Go back and talk to American Airlines.”  Since American Airlines sent me there, I felt mislead and defeated to my wits end.  I was exhausted with no answers as to how I would get to where I was going.  I made a call to my flight insurance agent who told me they don’t cover less than 6 hour delays.  Mine was 2.5 hours.  I went to American Airlines again where I was told, and like I recalled, they couldn’t help me. 

Here’s what I learned.  Things don’t always go as planned.  As I was navigating around that near empty airport, I could almost hear God telling me, “Trust me.  You can make plans, but know that My plans are best.”  I started thinking about this role as Young Life staff that I’m entering.  This was a reminder that things may go how I expect, but they probably won’t.  Things may change, and stuff might go wrong, but my destination should always be the same.  God got me to Kigali, even though the way was rockier than anticipated.  The destination for YL is for kids to know Jesus Christ.  The journey is how God gets us there.  Aim for the destination, take notes on the journey. 

By the mercy of God, I was stranded in the one international airport that was in the same city as my sister, Dani, and her family.  I was able to spend those 2 unplanned days in the States with them.  They were so helpful in driving me back and forth to the airport several times, taking a shift on being on hold with the multiple companies I had to call, and even convincing certain airlines that I should not have to pay for another ticket.  I could have been stranded anywhere, alone.  Instead I was taken care of and given more time with my beloveds.  God values relationships more than He values our detailed plans.  He created us to be in community. God really opened my eyes to how much I need a community to complete this call He placed on my life.  Next step; building a community around Young Life in Kigali!

Oh, to Witness a Miracle…

 

(Written on March 6) This has been the craziest two days of my entire life.  I have never in my wildest dreams imagined I would witness such an abundance of miracles as I have through raising support for Rwanda Young Life.  I am baffled, bewildered, and blessed by the overflow of funds that have come in over the last 9 months and even the last two days.  Two days ago, I recall praying that God’s timing would be perfect and that when He wanted me to be back in Rwanda, that would be the moment I would step on Kigali soil.  When I prayed that, I anticipated and hoped for April, but also knew logically that it would probably be later than that.  My logic was trumped by God’s reality quicker than I could have ever thought possible.  I’d heard stories about God providing in abundance in the last leg after a long marathon of fundraising, but I never thought I would be one to tell that story.  But here I am! 

(Written April 4) With only 8 days remaining before I depart to Rwanda, I’ve been reminded of how easy it is to move forth with life, forgetting about God’s miracles we witness.  I was on cloud 9 on March 6, praising God with every breath I took.  I couldn’t think about anything but God’s love for me.  I saw so clearly how involved God was in my life that I forgot all about the months of challenges I had faced in the process.  I saw that He was there all along and I was humbled that I ever thought that this funding depended on my own faithfulness.  It was all done because of God’s faithfulness, not mine.  Reflecting on those two days that knocked me off my feet, I wonder why my response to God isn’t like that everyday.  We witness miracles every single day.  We witness God’s provision in every single breath.  Yet, so much junk can get in the way of a heart being set free from worry or doubt.

I am still up in the clouds about God’s love and faithfulness, but I’d say I’m on a lower cloud; like cloud 5.  I’ve been wondering why I’ve come down even as much as I have.  God is still the same God.  His love is the same as it has always been.  My vision is what has been distorted.  My focus has been less on Him, and more on “What now?”  Questions of “How?” and “What?” have been filtering through my mind, making me believe I have to have all the answers before I go.  Never will I ever have all the answers.  I have been reminded to “Be still in the presence of the LORD, and wait patiently for Him to act.” (Psalm 37:7) Sometimes I want to rush ahead of Him; make sure I’m ready for any curve ball that is thrown at me.  But I’m told to “Commit everything you do to the LORD.  Trust Him and He will help you.” (Psalm 37:5)  Sounds pretty straight forward, but its simplicity can fool us into thinking it’s easy. 

If you’ve ever heard the story of God leading the Israelites out of Egypt, you remember how shocking it was that they so easily dismissed God after seeing Him provide an abundance of miracles to ensure their safety time after time.  From the beginning of time, God has not received the credit only He deserves from His creation.  We have such short-termed memories that fixate on what is presently needed, rather than what God proved that He is more than capable of doing in our lives.  I want to fix my thoughts on what God has done, not what I need done.  Although I should bring to Him what I need on a daily basis, I hope that once my need is brought to Him, I can move forth in praise knowing that God knows best how to meet my every need.  Praise God that He is patient with us and remains the same, even when we waver in remembering that.

Repentance

I’ve always been a little leery of people who stand on the corner of a busy city street with a sign that says “REPENT… before it’s too late… or else… or go to Hell… etc…”  Yeah.  Those people.  It’s always felt too harsh, too impersonal, and too direct.  While I am not onboard with their ministry tactics, I don’t doubt that their intent is coming from a good place because repentance is something that God does desire from us.   

Recently, I have made the discovery that God desires repentance from everyone, even Christians.  It doesn’t have to be super formal or planned.  It just needs to be often.  I think that’s why the Catholic Church encourages people to go to confession on a regular basis.  We need to confess our sins/ be aware of our sins so that we may be reminded in our hearts where God stands in our lives.  I’ve been reading some old stories about the Kings of Israel during the Old Testament times and have been blown away by how God blesses the kings who come to a point of repenting of their sins.  It didn’t matter how evil they were and how many temples they destroyed or how many other gods they worshiped in place of Him.  All that mattered to God was if they came to a point where they would dethrone themselves to Him.  He was pleased by their hearts’ deep apologies and showered grace on them when this occurred.  Read 2 Chronicles 33:1-17 for an example of this.

So while I still get weird vibes from the REPENT signs, is it a good thing to remember?  Yes.  Is it offensive to put on billboards or signs in front of churches?  Yes.  But it’s only offensive because we all (no exceptions) want to sit on our own throne and play King over our lives.  “Repent” reminds us that we don’t belong there.  God does.

I’m not waiting anymore.

Often enough I feel like I am waiting.  Waiting for all the funds to come in.  Waiting for me to be back in Rwanda.  Waiting to know what next week will look like.  Waiting to see what life in Rwanda will be like in Part 2.  Waiting to see how God will make sense of this life as I know it.  Waiting for my future to unfold.  Waiting can get annoying.  I'm not saying that waiting is completely a negative thing.  It has its strong points like developing patience and trust and pushes me to be less rigid in planning my own life sequence. 
Sometimes I think I'm not really the one waiting.  God didn't place me here to wait.  He placed me here to live out this moment, this day as if it were my first and last.  These dreams I have are good dreams, but they aren't what life is about.  How often I mistake the things I want to do/am called to do for what gives my life meaning.  My life had meaning before I was even conceived.  My God created me to be, not to do.  To be his daughter, his friend, his masterpiece, his prized possession, his bride.  God is the one waiting… for me to stop trying to gain meaning in life by doing doing doing.  He is waiting for me to have peace knowing in my heart that I AM HIS. 
There is no point to waiting to be His because I already am.  He has claimed me.  When he decided to nail all my transgressions to the cross, he bought me with a high price.  Jesus died so I could live life to the full... right now, not when all my plans/dreams fall into place. 

Lose the Tude

You know those times when God is up to something that you think could be good (because God is good) but fear for the worst.  You think, if I think it’s going to be bad and it is bad, then I won’t be surprised or disappointed.  Or if I think it’s going to be bad and it turns out good, then I will be pleasantly surprised!  Win, win with a downer attitude.  I find that I do this a lot and I don’t like it.  I set myself up to think that God is not on my side or that He is actually working against me, not with me.   

It just shows how much I depend on my circumstances to bring me up or keep me down.  I desire a joy, a peace, and a faith that stems from knowing and loving a God who is so gracious, so faithful, and so loving that I involuntarily breathe His name with every move I make.  You don’t get any of that by the production of situations that occur throughout your lifetime.  God shapes us through these things, but they don’t define our worth or our purpose.  Only God can do that. 

So, come with me and resist having a downer attitude toward life’s circumstances.  Let’s see what God is doing through Positive Patty’s eyes, not Negative Nancy’s.  (For all you Patty and Nancys out there… sorry for the generalization)  God clearly states, “…God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purposes for them.”  -Romans 8:28