Amazing Grace

When I was home in the states this summer, I knew that something needed to change in me and in the way I chose to live my day to day life in Rwanda. I couldn't put a finger on what that was exactly, but now that I'm here I have realized what I was lacking last year. Pretty simple really... vulnerability. I let people in to the problems and struggles I was having that I felt could be fixed by prayer, advice, and etc. but I failed to let people in to this inward struggle that I ultimately thought was my own responsibility to fix, yet I could not. My struggle, even still, is feeling beat down by my own shortcomings. Back in the day I fought against pride. Now, I feel as though I fight against the opposite. It's all based on the idea that what I do is more important than what God has done. This is a lie that I don't always recognize when I am in the moment of being more critical of my actions, thoughts, failures than anyone else. 
Recently, I started to realize that I was a walking example of what it would be like to live without experiencing the life-giving grace of God.  I was constantly disappointed in myself and it seemed like I went back into my old ways of thinking that I had to earn some sort of favor with God in order to be saved.  I would be reminded of God’s grace, and be thankful, but still strive for the unattainable perfection that only Jesus himself could maintain.  As I kept disappointing myself, I lost motivation to spend time with God because, quite frankly, I was tired of being reminded of how I had fallen short.  These things I had fallen short of were things like having regular quiet times studying the Bible, praying consistently, having good thoughts about people, caring for others, etc.  In my mind I was not pulling the weight I should have been.  This vicious cycle left me weary and discouraged for months. 
Since then, I have been focusing on God’s grace and what a difference it should make in how I live.  I have been living as if Jesus depended on me to make myself right with God.  “Hmm…” Jesus probably thought, “Why is she struggling so hard to be perfect for God when through ME she is made perfect in His sight?”  Wow, the gospel sounds so sweet to me right now.  It is freeing to know that I do not have to perform well to be loved by my Father.  When approaching Him, I do not have to pretend I have my life put together in a neat organized way.  He knows I’m a slob and even still sees me with untainted eyes.    









To sum up, I have two photos of monkeys.  Yes, I really love taking pictures of monkeys because they are cute and very interesting creatures.  I wrote a blog last year about the monkey on the left being in a cage in Africa and how wrong that is.  Guess, what?  He is still in that cage.  He represents how I was living… caged by my sin and my guilt while looking longingly for some hope and encouragement outside of my caged mindset.  The monkey on the right represents who Christ made me to be.  This monkey was in Tanzania walking along the top of a restaurant building.  Although he doesn’t look that happy, he is free.  He climbs trees, buildings, walls just like he was made to do, right? He doesn’t have to eat the leftover scraps that were fed to the caged monkey.  He can eat fruit off of trees, but also can still choose to eat the table scraps if he wanted to.  The thing about the grace of God is that it’s there for us always.  We may choose to live the way God intended for us to live, or we may choose a different route.  What we choose does not change who God is and it does not change whether or not His grace is available.  Whether or not the monkey eats like a king or like a rodent doesn’t change the fact that it’s a monkey.  Whether or not we follow the law of God perfectly or fail at every instance does nothing to change how God sees us.  He sees us as his walking, talking, loving, breathing creation and KNOWS what we are like.  God knows I want to do good, but end up being a hypocrite and falling through.  He understands our shortcomings because he allowed sin to enter the world.  He was there and lived among a corrupt generation of people who nailed His innocent son to a cross.  We don’t have to tell God what it’s like to battle sin.  We also don’t have to tell God that we need grace.  He had a magnificent gracious plan set up before we even committed our first offense against him. 

Timing

God’s timing is divine. Do I really need to elaborate on that? No, but I will anyway. 

My patience level is constantly challenged by God’s seemingly slow-like-molasses timing.  Have you ever tried to pour molasses out of a jar? I’m not sure I have either, but I can imagine it to come out annoyingly slow.  I mean, is it considered a liquid even though it resists the aquatic quality? That is a debate we should have some other time.  Going back to the God/molasses analogy… The concern with timeliness is definitely a cultural crutch for us Americans.  I imagine people who aren’t taught that “you can get what you want when you want it” don’t struggle as much with God’s timing being characteristically slow. The longer I keep living this life God has given me, the more I realize that God is actually not slow at all.  He is thoughtful and strategic with how He acts and how He shows up. 

 

Four years ago…

God put Rwanda on my heart for the first time. 

I was just beginning to really live my life around the ministry of Jesus Christ. 

I struggled with knowing who I was without my friends and family. 

I learned that forgiveness is a lot harder to offer when you have a deep wound. 

Four years later…

I have a home in Rwanda where God is doing miraculous things in my heart and using what I learned during my time in Bloomington to glorify Him here.

I wouldn’t even want to live a life for anything/anyone but Christ… what would be the point?

I have moved far from friends and family knowing that my identity did not rest upon their shoulders, but on God’s.

I am now quicker to forgive even with deep wounds because of the gradual realization of how much I need forgiveness.

 

I could go through a lot of “if, then” scenarios to illustrate that God’s timing is perfect in all aspects in life, but I think a better way to describe it is to just say, “He knew better than me.”  He knew better than me that I needed 3 years to wrap my mind around moving to a third world country.  He knew better than me that in order for me to find my identity in Christ alone, I needed to go only with Him to an unknown place and in unfamiliar company.  He knew better than me that I needed serious lessons in humility.  Boy, was that lesson awaiting me in Rwanda.  He knew better than me that I needed a full year in Rwanda before I could handle a full load of Young Life ministry.  He knew better than me that I needed to hear a sermon during last week’s church service that shouted “GO. Make disciples of all the nations.  Start in Kigali.”

 

I get the sense that God is no longer being silent in Kigali.  He keeps pulling at my heart and showing me ways to reach out to find more hands to serve Him through Young Life.  Even though we got the ball rolling with Young Life last year here in Kigali, I haven’t felt like it has truly gotten started.  There’s no telling how long God will patiently wait before there is fruit from this ministry in the works, but like I said before, “God is not slow…. he is thoughtful and strategic.”  I’m not as bothered about the timing of things when I am reminded that God knows WAY better than me.