Is there a right way to love Jesus?

Why does God tug on hearts… sometimes in opposite directions?  It seems one tug must be from God, the other, an illusion of the heart?  This has been a mystery to me for years.  What if God actually does do the tugging on both ends?  What does that say about God?  As Christians, it seems we all have our own ideas of what God is asking us to do for Him.  Are all of us right?  Are all of us wrong?  I know it’s not a matter of right or wrong, but sometimes it seems there has to be a concrete truth and either one person or the other is just missing it. 

How can God speak to me so clearly and defined about Jesus’ love and grace being the central and only aspect of my faith that actually matters and then, to another Christian, speak just as clearly about other aspects of faith as holding just as much importance?  The fact that God is sovereign is my only comfort in this dispute.  I could pull out bible verses from all over the Bible to try to prove what I am certain is true.  I could tell my testimony about how I was once arrogant about my beliefs and then the Spirit of God humbled me and showed me the way.  I could stand strong in my beliefs and argue profusely against any other ideas.  But then again, couldn’t someone with the views I would be disputing be able to do the same things?  What if it’s not about the doctrine or the manner in which we approach God?  What if it’s just about the fact that we do approach him?  What if it’s just the posture of the heart that tells whether or not we are actually God’s adopted children?  Who can see into our hearts but our Father, our creator?  Those who are God’s children inherit more than just eternal life; they inherit the attributes of God himself. 

We as people can do many things out of selfish pride and ambition.  None of us are good enough motive-readers that we can judge a person’s heart with as much accuracy as God.  In many of the stories of Jesus, the people he butted heads with most were the ones who thought that since they did all the things God expected of them, they were righteous even without the awaited savior.  Although they were righteous on the outside, their hearts were prideful and self-seeking.  We can be fooled quite easily that all that God wants from us is to do “good”.  Without the answer to the question, “What is good?” we are left with this standard that absolutely nothing will be good enough for God.  Nothing we do, say, or accomplish makes up for the fact that our natural tendency is to serve ourselves.  What God really wants is our hearts.  He doesn’t want anything from us; he only wants to be with us.  He wants us to know Him intimately, because he already knows us and decided we were worth suffering and dying for. 

I fall in this category as much as the next person.  I want to think “I’m right”.  But I’m too aware that a lot of the times, I am not right.  All I know is that I don’t have the power to convince anybody of anything that they aren’t open to accept.  That is ok.  I’ve seen God work many miracles and the only way they are recognized as miracles is when He is recognized for all the glory.  Praise God for being the judge and for being truly the only One to reveal truth to our hearts. 

“It is not possible”

… is a phrase used quite often in Rwanda.  Really, what it means is a simple, “No”.   To the average American, “It is not possible” means “You are out of your mind.  That will NEVER happen.  You live in lala land." etc etc etc… Say you are sitting at a restaurant in Kigali.  You ask the waiter, “May I please have a beef brochette (kebab) for my meal?”  He will either respond, “Yes” or sometimes with the occasional, “It is not possible.”  Now, I get confused about this because more often than not, I order off the menu given to me, so for him to declare that my order of a simple beef on a stick is not possible I can’t fight the laughter over how absurd it seems.  It took me a while to understand that phrase to translate as just “no” since that phrase evokes this nagging optimism that “YES, it is possible”.  It has to be possible!  I have come to realize that some things really aren’t possible here in this beautifully charming country, but for some reason, I am still hopeful and expectant for some these impossibles to become possibles. 

Examples?  Sure. 

1. It is not possible for my feet to stay clean for a day.  It really doesn’t matter what shoes I wear, my feet are brown by the end of the day.

2. For the last month, it has proven impossible for me to be able to shower everyday in my own house.  We have had a very helpful plumber in and out of our house and (cross your fingers) the problem was attempted to be completely fixed today!

3. It is not possible for my clothes to feel soft or smell fresh. You know that mildew smell that stays on your clothes if you leave them in the washer for too long…. forever the smell of my clothes here.

4. It is not possible to hate the weather or the scenery in Rwanda.  I have never met a person who has complained about it… ever.

5. It is not possible for me to sleep soundly in Africa without a mosquito net.  I went a couple weeks without one when I first got back and the only night I slept well was the night I took a Tylenol PM and could have slept 12 hours with that sedation.

6.   It is not possible  for a muzungu (white person) to get offered a reasonable price for anything bartered the first time around.  Sometimes not even the second time around.

7. It is not possible for me to continue naming off impossibles without saying that I love Rwanda even when things are not possible :)

Home… and then home again

June 2011 I returned to my homeland of Indiana.  August 2011 I returned to my homeland of Kigali, Rwanda.  Two very different homes, two very similar emotions upon returning.  It’s hard to explain the hardships and the joy that go along being a part of two cultures and having to leave both just to return to the other.   When I arrived in Indiana this summer, I breathed in the hot humid summer air, and gazed over the many cornfields and felt as if nothing had changed since I left.  Indiana was still the Midwest, although I have come across people who have disputed that fact.  Most of the people I associate with home were still there, living life as usual.  Some things changed like that Subtaco place that went up in Jasper.  Although that has actually changed twice since it also shut down this summer right before I left.  Go figure. 

It was good to come back to familiarity and comfort.  I find it amusing the amount of people I have in my life that I can go a year without speaking to and am able to pick up a conversation with them as if we had just talked on the phone the other day.  I was reminded that I have a great home in Indiana, which includes but is not limited to many great communities of people, restaurants, and parks.  It became normal again to go to a store to find whatever I needed, to go to a movie theater, to have a hot shower whenever I wanted, to drive a car, to watch TV, to have fast service, and to eat delicious American dishes.  It didn’t take long at all for me to slip back into living like the average middle-class American.  Being surrounded by all the good things I missed about living in Indiana, I only really missed the people and the weather of Rwanda this summer. 

Upon returning to Rwanda, I was greeted by my new roommates and old friends at the airport.  I walked onto Kigali soil and felt like I was coming home.  Last year at this time, my feelings were vastly different!  I wasn’t coming home.  I was not coming anywhere.  I was leaving.  Leaving everything behind to start anew in this place that I have come to love so much.  As soon as I got to my new house, it was clear that America was far behind me.  However, the funny thing is, I am ok with dealing with plumbing issues, a broken refrigerator, the lack of a mosquito net, never ending dirty feet, power outages, etc. because it’s Africa.  Those inconveniences have become an endearing quality of my life here.  Sure, I don’t always see it that way after going 3 days without a shower, but I have learned to accept it as a part of the journey.   

When I was in Indiana, I was so happy to be in Indiana.  Now that I am back in Rwanda, I am so happy to be here.  God has given me two homes, two places to return to.  There is no competition between the two, as some would like to think.  I would say they are pretty good friends actually.  At least I know they both have worked together to form a global community for me :)