Uncertainty

I wake up most mornings feeling like I’ve got a good handle on what could possibly occur that day.  Sure, there are some good and bad surprises each day, but usually my life remains close to unaltered in spite of them.  However, there are those few circumstances that seem to shake the ground I walk on.  Because of those surprises, I end up in question over my purpose, my worth, my future, and my ability.  Over the last few months, I have been living through an earthquake of surprises.  The big earthquake happened a couple months ago when my future at KICS was up in the air and my calling to Young Life staff was a solid as dried cement.  Since then I have experienced tremors every couple of weeks in which I wonder all those things I mentioned earlier.  Last Friday was one of those tremors.  A series of events happened that made me question my future role in Kigali.  There is something about knowing that I will be returning to Rwanda in August and yet not knowing exactly what my role will be that has let fear and panic creep into my heart. 

I’m never exactly sure how to assess God’s calling.  I don’t know when to think practically and when to just GO because God deemed it good even when it doesn’t make sense to the world.  In coming to Rwanda, I chewed over the idea for months before I actually said yes to coming.  Now I’m here and indeed it has been confirmed that this is where God wants me.  Now the question is, in what capacity?  I have been praying about this a lot… In fact I think I have been using prayer to keep me from making a decision.  Did you know you could overuse prayer?  I can’t just pray and pray about something and never DO anything that the prayer entails.  While my excuse is that I am waiting for a clear answer from God, I know that I wouldn’t be seeking this answer if I didn’t already know what he was calling me to do.  It’s just that what He is seemingly calling me to do is unknown and scary and I don’t feel qualified in a lot of ways.  Fear is a thief of joy and I too often allow it to be the loudest voice in my head. 

Through this process, I want to encourage you (as well as myself) to be confident knowing that God says “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13 

God’s Majesty

It's not every day that I feel peace about where God has me, but today is one of those rare days.  In church on Sunday, I was struck by God’s magnitude, beauty, and love.  I was reminded of how HUGE God is and how this whole universe worships Him as its creator.  Who am I, but a small breath of air compared to Him?  At times I worry... about small things like money, friends, teaching, future, etc.  I think about my life and isolate it from God’s plan, not just for me, but for all of His creation.  He takes joy in His magnificent creations that are beyond my comprehension, and even though humans are the created beings that defy him and keep returning to the thought that this life is about us, He values us above all of his creation.  A love like that floors me and I don't even understand it. 

I live in a place that used to harbor hate and relentless murder.   Fear sometimes overcomes my loved ones because they are scared for my life living in a place with such a violent history.  I admit, sometimes I get scared too, but more so, I am not scared to die.  Days like today remind me of what true life is, and it isn't here.  I may physically live in Rwanda, Kigali, Gaculiro, but my heart lives with Jesus.  Everything this life offers is NOTHING compared to knowing and being known by my creator!  I wanted to share the video that played such a large part in harvesting peace in my heart.  So, here it is!  Click on the link below and watch all the way to the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU6kMtkV9Fc&feature=related

When we forget that God cares

Sometimes I start to read into things that happen in my life in a way that seems somewhat absurd to the average person, and occasionally even me.  It usually starts off as something funny or unique that happened in my day and later on as I reflect about it, I think… this has to have a deeper meaning.  Who does that? Seriously, if you know anybody else who does that besides me, I think I should meet that person.  Because I find myself doing that a lot and it seems ridiculous, even to me.

Anyway, moving on to my story of deep hidden meaning.  Here it comes.  Can you feel the suspense?  If I were you I would have skipped this whole motivation section and just read on to the good part below.   

So this morning started out as a normal morning.  I woke up after my second alarm, rolled out of bed, got in the shower and washed my hair.  I slapped a whole bunch of shampoo on my head and lathered my hair up real good.  Usually, while my hair is soaking up the nutrients (or whatever is really in shampoo) I shave my legs if I have time.  Turns out this morning, I did.  But while I was taking my time shaving my legs, the shower head started sputtering.  Now, back in the States, I would have probably thought that someone was playing a trick on me or maybe even that girl from The Ring ( have you seen that movie? I haven’t been the same since) found her way to the plumbing in my house.  But since I live in Rwanda, I knew right away what it was.  We were out of water.  DUM Dum dummmm.  That just felt like the right moment for the dums.  The way the city water works here is… sometimes it doesn’t.  There is a water gage in our yard that, if it’s spinning, we are receiving water from the city.  If it’s not, then we are out of luck.  We have a water tank about the size of a smart car that collects that water.  Let’s just say, we haven’t been receiving water from the city in quite some time… long enough for us to run out of our smart car water.  So there I was.  Dripping with soap, halfway shaven, and already pondering how in the world I was going to rinse my hair clean of this mop of shampoo.  I prayed to God that he would be kind and give me some water to allow me to finish washing my hair.  Not long after that prayer, I yelled to my roommate to check the water pump who later returned with the news that the pump was on, but not running.  I put on my robe, fully prepared to have to walk to school to use the water from my sink in my classroom to finish cleaning up for a work day.  And then I heard it.  The pump started running!  I jumped back in the shower and was able to rinse my hair all the way through. Praise God!  About 10 seconds after my hair was rinsed free of shampoo residue, the water went out again.  Still as I’m typing to you 16 hours later, the water is still out.  I honestly could care less if I get to shower again before I leave in less than 2 days for the States because I didn’t even think I’d get to finish my last shower, and yet, I did. 

Now, there are many different ways I could go for an analogy to go along with this story.  But the one that has been plaguing me has been that God cares.  Cheesy maybe, but true.   Let me point out something to you that my story presented that you may not have caught onto.  My first response to my shower problem was to try to think of a way to solve the problem myself.  My second resort was to ask God for his divine water giving power to help me out.  My third action showed my lack of belief that God was actually going to help me in this soapy situation.  My fourth action was to try and handle it myself.  This all took place in about 3 minutes mind you.  It didn’t take me long to get to the fourth action.  The part about God caring comes in right after I decided the solution was up to me.  It was in my control whether or not my hair stayed soapy the rest of the day, but it was not in my control whether or not the water came back on.  This story could have been way different with a tale about me running in my robe to school and getting there and realizing I forgot my keys…  That would have been entertaining, but much less fun for me to live out.  When that water turned back on, it took me about a quarter of a second to receive that water for what it was- an act of mercy.  Sometimes I think that when God gives us little moments like that, he craves for us to recognize the ways in which he cares for us.  When I have water day after day, I don’t even think about the fact that it comes from God.  I think… it’s city water so it come from the city. Duh.  When the things I count on are given easily to me, God’s craving for recognition gets overlooked.  But when I am without these things, all of a sudden, it’s easier to turn to God to replenish my supply, even though I am still probably going to search for a solution on my own.  Regardless of my actions or faith, God still cares and shows us everyday how he cares, even when we don’t give him the recognition he deserves. 

Thanks for taking a part in the journey of finding deeper meaning in seemingly meaningless happenings in my life.