Uncertainty

I wake up most mornings feeling like I’ve got a good handle on what could possibly occur that day.  Sure, there are some good and bad surprises each day, but usually my life remains close to unaltered in spite of them.  However, there are those few circumstances that seem to shake the ground I walk on.  Because of those surprises, I end up in question over my purpose, my worth, my future, and my ability.  Over the last few months, I have been living through an earthquake of surprises.  The big earthquake happened a couple months ago when my future at KICS was up in the air and my calling to Young Life staff was a solid as dried cement.  Since then I have experienced tremors every couple of weeks in which I wonder all those things I mentioned earlier.  Last Friday was one of those tremors.  A series of events happened that made me question my future role in Kigali.  There is something about knowing that I will be returning to Rwanda in August and yet not knowing exactly what my role will be that has let fear and panic creep into my heart. 

I’m never exactly sure how to assess God’s calling.  I don’t know when to think practically and when to just GO because God deemed it good even when it doesn’t make sense to the world.  In coming to Rwanda, I chewed over the idea for months before I actually said yes to coming.  Now I’m here and indeed it has been confirmed that this is where God wants me.  Now the question is, in what capacity?  I have been praying about this a lot… In fact I think I have been using prayer to keep me from making a decision.  Did you know you could overuse prayer?  I can’t just pray and pray about something and never DO anything that the prayer entails.  While my excuse is that I am waiting for a clear answer from God, I know that I wouldn’t be seeking this answer if I didn’t already know what he was calling me to do.  It’s just that what He is seemingly calling me to do is unknown and scary and I don’t feel qualified in a lot of ways.  Fear is a thief of joy and I too often allow it to be the loudest voice in my head. 

Through this process, I want to encourage you (as well as myself) to be confident knowing that God says “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13