Noticeable differences

        Do you have a routine?  Not a gymnastics routine… although that would be really spectacular if you had one of those.  Do you live by a scheduled routine for each day or each week?  I used to hate routines because they usually required me to wake up early or to be on time.  I would say I haven’t been the best sport about either of those things in the past.  When I was in high school, I set 3 alarms for myself.  One at 6am, one for 6:15am, and one for 6:30am.  At each alarm, I woke up a little bit more until I felt awake enough to successfully step out of bed.  My family learned that I wasn’t worth talking to until I had been out of bed for at least a half hour.  It’s safe to say, I’m not a morning person.  Timeliness is another thing I have had a bad track record of back in the day.  Who am I kidding?  I still don’t have the best track record with timeliness.  Everyday I try to leave my house at 7:05am so I can get to school by 7:10am.  Almost every morning as I’m leaving my house I look at my watch and quite often will moan, “Seriously? Come on Mick!” as I notice somehow I burned 10 minutes trying to grab a “quick” breakfast on my way out the door. 

        Like I said before, I used to hate routines.  I’m not much of a planner either.  I would much rather live by the seat of my pants, whatever that really means.  The lacking planner in me can really relate to African culture because I don’t know many Africans who are thorough planners.  Although I admire the fact that Africans live life by the seat of their pants day by day, week by week, I have recognized that the absence of routine in my own personal life has been detrimental to my effectiveness in loving people and in living a balanced life.  The one thing that has motivated me to live a life based more on a routine has been God.  Seems vague, and it is.  Let me explain.  Of course my school day already presents one type of routine; 8am-3pm Monday-Friday I’m teaching.  But, after that, who’s to say what I’m doing?  If I don’t have something scheduled, I will probably do one of three things: watch a TV show, surf the net, or just chat with whomever is also just bumming it.  I will spend time with God whenever I feel like it, which, if I’m honest, is not that often.  I will be productive with planning lessons whenever is convenient, which you can argue convenience is a state of mind.  I will do what I want when I want to do it.  Yikes.  Is this really how I lived when I didn’t have a routine?  Afraid so. 

        Not to say my life is this miraculous transformation that when I look back at that routine-less life I lived all of 3 months ago I become ill with regret.  It’s not all from my past.  I’m still working on it, as I will be for the rest of my life.  I have just noticed this unexpected change in many areas of my life because I have chosen a scheduled life this year and consistency has won me over.  Let me take you through my week:

Sunday: Breakfast at 9am- my roommate Natalie makes pancakes. Delicious. Church from 9:30-11:30.  Lunch with friends after. Work at the school for the remainder of the afternoon (includes skyping with family). Zumba class at 7:00.  Pray with Heather and Kelly from 8-9pm.  Go to bed!

Monday: School from 7:15-6pm  School doesn’t last that long… but I’m at school working that long.  Family dinner with friends at 6:15pm.  Free evening!

Tuesday: School from 7:15-6pm. Dinner after school.  Bible study from 7:15-9pm. 

Wednesday: School from 7:15-6pm. Family dinner at 6:15pm.  Zumba at 7:30!  (Soon to be filled with YL CLUB!)

Thursday: School from 7:15-3pm.  Campaigners 3:15-4:30.  YL team meeting 4:30-5:30pm. Language lessons 5:30-7pm.  Quick dinner.  Game night 7:30- whenever we get tired of playing games. 

Friday: School 7:30-5pm. Usually we teachers are exhausted on Fridays, so a low key evening.

Saturday: African Bagel Company to get doughnuts from 9am-11am.  If I’m being honest, I will most likely work on some lesson plans in the afternoon.  Evening is up for grabs!

        I just let you in to the details of my day to day life.  That was a dangerous thing I just did.  Now you know where I am at any time during the week… Oh wait.  That would only make a difference for those of you in Kigali with me :)  Okay, so I’m on a week break from school this week.  I purposefully went away to Gisenyi (a city situated at the coast of Lake Kivu)right after school got out so I could leave my productive schedule and relax.  I also purposefully did not bring my computer or any other electric devices so that I would not waste my mind on them.  I read an entire book in 2 days.  I read 390 pages in 36 hours actually.  Usually it takes me weeks, maybe months, to finish a book.  In my scattered puzzle of a life, I lack the focus it takes to complete a task or even a book.  I have learned how to juggle many tasks, but to complete one takes much longer than it would if I just saw one at a time.  Through living out a routine, I have noticed it allows me to focus on one thing at a time.  I’m not doing zumba thinking, man I have so many more lessons to plan!  I’m not lesson planning thinking, I wish I have more time to exercise.  I’m not at church worrying about what I need to get done for school on Monday… I know I will have time.  Maybe you are ahead of me wondering how in the world I hadn’t figured this out until now.  Well, I don’t blame you for thinking that!  My time with God has been more purposeful and meaningful than when I would say, “yeah, let’s open up the Bible for a few minutes to see what God has to say to me.”  When I’d do that, I’d probably nod in agreement and then walk away and forget about it minutes after.  God has much more to say to me when I give him my undivided attention.  As I’m typing this I realized that I have not spent time with God today and the thought crossed my mind that I need to make time for Him.  I hope that the lesson I learned about how to spend my time with purpose and focus will not stop here. 

Amazing Grace

When I was home in the states this summer, I knew that something needed to change in me and in the way I chose to live my day to day life in Rwanda. I couldn't put a finger on what that was exactly, but now that I'm here I have realized what I was lacking last year. Pretty simple really... vulnerability. I let people in to the problems and struggles I was having that I felt could be fixed by prayer, advice, and etc. but I failed to let people in to this inward struggle that I ultimately thought was my own responsibility to fix, yet I could not. My struggle, even still, is feeling beat down by my own shortcomings. Back in the day I fought against pride. Now, I feel as though I fight against the opposite. It's all based on the idea that what I do is more important than what God has done. This is a lie that I don't always recognize when I am in the moment of being more critical of my actions, thoughts, failures than anyone else. 
Recently, I started to realize that I was a walking example of what it would be like to live without experiencing the life-giving grace of God.  I was constantly disappointed in myself and it seemed like I went back into my old ways of thinking that I had to earn some sort of favor with God in order to be saved.  I would be reminded of God’s grace, and be thankful, but still strive for the unattainable perfection that only Jesus himself could maintain.  As I kept disappointing myself, I lost motivation to spend time with God because, quite frankly, I was tired of being reminded of how I had fallen short.  These things I had fallen short of were things like having regular quiet times studying the Bible, praying consistently, having good thoughts about people, caring for others, etc.  In my mind I was not pulling the weight I should have been.  This vicious cycle left me weary and discouraged for months. 
Since then, I have been focusing on God’s grace and what a difference it should make in how I live.  I have been living as if Jesus depended on me to make myself right with God.  “Hmm…” Jesus probably thought, “Why is she struggling so hard to be perfect for God when through ME she is made perfect in His sight?”  Wow, the gospel sounds so sweet to me right now.  It is freeing to know that I do not have to perform well to be loved by my Father.  When approaching Him, I do not have to pretend I have my life put together in a neat organized way.  He knows I’m a slob and even still sees me with untainted eyes.    









To sum up, I have two photos of monkeys.  Yes, I really love taking pictures of monkeys because they are cute and very interesting creatures.  I wrote a blog last year about the monkey on the left being in a cage in Africa and how wrong that is.  Guess, what?  He is still in that cage.  He represents how I was living… caged by my sin and my guilt while looking longingly for some hope and encouragement outside of my caged mindset.  The monkey on the right represents who Christ made me to be.  This monkey was in Tanzania walking along the top of a restaurant building.  Although he doesn’t look that happy, he is free.  He climbs trees, buildings, walls just like he was made to do, right? He doesn’t have to eat the leftover scraps that were fed to the caged monkey.  He can eat fruit off of trees, but also can still choose to eat the table scraps if he wanted to.  The thing about the grace of God is that it’s there for us always.  We may choose to live the way God intended for us to live, or we may choose a different route.  What we choose does not change who God is and it does not change whether or not His grace is available.  Whether or not the monkey eats like a king or like a rodent doesn’t change the fact that it’s a monkey.  Whether or not we follow the law of God perfectly or fail at every instance does nothing to change how God sees us.  He sees us as his walking, talking, loving, breathing creation and KNOWS what we are like.  God knows I want to do good, but end up being a hypocrite and falling through.  He understands our shortcomings because he allowed sin to enter the world.  He was there and lived among a corrupt generation of people who nailed His innocent son to a cross.  We don’t have to tell God what it’s like to battle sin.  We also don’t have to tell God that we need grace.  He had a magnificent gracious plan set up before we even committed our first offense against him. 

Timing

God’s timing is divine. Do I really need to elaborate on that? No, but I will anyway. 

My patience level is constantly challenged by God’s seemingly slow-like-molasses timing.  Have you ever tried to pour molasses out of a jar? I’m not sure I have either, but I can imagine it to come out annoyingly slow.  I mean, is it considered a liquid even though it resists the aquatic quality? That is a debate we should have some other time.  Going back to the God/molasses analogy… The concern with timeliness is definitely a cultural crutch for us Americans.  I imagine people who aren’t taught that “you can get what you want when you want it” don’t struggle as much with God’s timing being characteristically slow. The longer I keep living this life God has given me, the more I realize that God is actually not slow at all.  He is thoughtful and strategic with how He acts and how He shows up. 

 

Four years ago…

God put Rwanda on my heart for the first time. 

I was just beginning to really live my life around the ministry of Jesus Christ. 

I struggled with knowing who I was without my friends and family. 

I learned that forgiveness is a lot harder to offer when you have a deep wound. 

Four years later…

I have a home in Rwanda where God is doing miraculous things in my heart and using what I learned during my time in Bloomington to glorify Him here.

I wouldn’t even want to live a life for anything/anyone but Christ… what would be the point?

I have moved far from friends and family knowing that my identity did not rest upon their shoulders, but on God’s.

I am now quicker to forgive even with deep wounds because of the gradual realization of how much I need forgiveness.

 

I could go through a lot of “if, then” scenarios to illustrate that God’s timing is perfect in all aspects in life, but I think a better way to describe it is to just say, “He knew better than me.”  He knew better than me that I needed 3 years to wrap my mind around moving to a third world country.  He knew better than me that in order for me to find my identity in Christ alone, I needed to go only with Him to an unknown place and in unfamiliar company.  He knew better than me that I needed serious lessons in humility.  Boy, was that lesson awaiting me in Rwanda.  He knew better than me that I needed a full year in Rwanda before I could handle a full load of Young Life ministry.  He knew better than me that I needed to hear a sermon during last week’s church service that shouted “GO. Make disciples of all the nations.  Start in Kigali.”

 

I get the sense that God is no longer being silent in Kigali.  He keeps pulling at my heart and showing me ways to reach out to find more hands to serve Him through Young Life.  Even though we got the ball rolling with Young Life last year here in Kigali, I haven’t felt like it has truly gotten started.  There’s no telling how long God will patiently wait before there is fruit from this ministry in the works, but like I said before, “God is not slow…. he is thoughtful and strategic.”  I’m not as bothered about the timing of things when I am reminded that God knows WAY better than me.