Amazing Grace

When I was home in the states this summer, I knew that something needed to change in me and in the way I chose to live my day to day life in Rwanda. I couldn't put a finger on what that was exactly, but now that I'm here I have realized what I was lacking last year. Pretty simple really... vulnerability. I let people in to the problems and struggles I was having that I felt could be fixed by prayer, advice, and etc. but I failed to let people in to this inward struggle that I ultimately thought was my own responsibility to fix, yet I could not. My struggle, even still, is feeling beat down by my own shortcomings. Back in the day I fought against pride. Now, I feel as though I fight against the opposite. It's all based on the idea that what I do is more important than what God has done. This is a lie that I don't always recognize when I am in the moment of being more critical of my actions, thoughts, failures than anyone else. 
Recently, I started to realize that I was a walking example of what it would be like to live without experiencing the life-giving grace of God.  I was constantly disappointed in myself and it seemed like I went back into my old ways of thinking that I had to earn some sort of favor with God in order to be saved.  I would be reminded of God’s grace, and be thankful, but still strive for the unattainable perfection that only Jesus himself could maintain.  As I kept disappointing myself, I lost motivation to spend time with God because, quite frankly, I was tired of being reminded of how I had fallen short.  These things I had fallen short of were things like having regular quiet times studying the Bible, praying consistently, having good thoughts about people, caring for others, etc.  In my mind I was not pulling the weight I should have been.  This vicious cycle left me weary and discouraged for months. 
Since then, I have been focusing on God’s grace and what a difference it should make in how I live.  I have been living as if Jesus depended on me to make myself right with God.  “Hmm…” Jesus probably thought, “Why is she struggling so hard to be perfect for God when through ME she is made perfect in His sight?”  Wow, the gospel sounds so sweet to me right now.  It is freeing to know that I do not have to perform well to be loved by my Father.  When approaching Him, I do not have to pretend I have my life put together in a neat organized way.  He knows I’m a slob and even still sees me with untainted eyes.    









To sum up, I have two photos of monkeys.  Yes, I really love taking pictures of monkeys because they are cute and very interesting creatures.  I wrote a blog last year about the monkey on the left being in a cage in Africa and how wrong that is.  Guess, what?  He is still in that cage.  He represents how I was living… caged by my sin and my guilt while looking longingly for some hope and encouragement outside of my caged mindset.  The monkey on the right represents who Christ made me to be.  This monkey was in Tanzania walking along the top of a restaurant building.  Although he doesn’t look that happy, he is free.  He climbs trees, buildings, walls just like he was made to do, right? He doesn’t have to eat the leftover scraps that were fed to the caged monkey.  He can eat fruit off of trees, but also can still choose to eat the table scraps if he wanted to.  The thing about the grace of God is that it’s there for us always.  We may choose to live the way God intended for us to live, or we may choose a different route.  What we choose does not change who God is and it does not change whether or not His grace is available.  Whether or not the monkey eats like a king or like a rodent doesn’t change the fact that it’s a monkey.  Whether or not we follow the law of God perfectly or fail at every instance does nothing to change how God sees us.  He sees us as his walking, talking, loving, breathing creation and KNOWS what we are like.  God knows I want to do good, but end up being a hypocrite and falling through.  He understands our shortcomings because he allowed sin to enter the world.  He was there and lived among a corrupt generation of people who nailed His innocent son to a cross.  We don’t have to tell God what it’s like to battle sin.  We also don’t have to tell God that we need grace.  He had a magnificent gracious plan set up before we even committed our first offense against him.