Decision… made

About a month ago, I was transformed.  To give you a visual, think of that beat up yellow Camaro that becomes a fast, strong, and adorable Autobot named Bumblebee.  He is always an Autobot, but hidden by a rough untamed exterior.  He appeared to be a mundane rundown vehicle, but boy did he prove the world wrong!  His true self was projected when he would walk instead of roll.  Love that Bumblebee. 

Bumblebee and me… I bet you don’t think we have that much in common.  No, I’m not an Autobot, although that would be a sweet revelation.  I do find that, minus being a Transformer, I can relate to Bumblebee’s double life.  A lot of the time, I feel like I am that Camaro.  Beat up, mundane, untamed.  I go through times that feel repetitive and meaningless.  Usually those are the times that I am reflecting on my own shortcomings and can’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Even though, since I became a Christian, I have been made new in Christ, I sometimes revert back to my old ways of thinking.  Romans 7:19-20 describes it well when it says, “For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.   Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” 

My transformation came as a result of a decision that I made.  Four about 3 months I waited for an answer from God.  An answer about my future.  I was a Camaro for 3 months.  God was knocking and I was opening the door enough for him to squeeze his face in the crack to tell me that kids need to know Jesus in Kigali.  “Well, yeah!” was my obvious response, “but what more should I do?” was my constant question.  I continued to keep that door only slightly ajar because I thought I had already come up with the solution on my own.  God surely would agree with me.  I mean it was a great plan!  I could continue teaching art at KICS and just go on part-time Young Life staff.  Brilliant!  God uses many different tactics to show us that great plans aren’t necessarily divine plans.  For me, it took 3 months of discouragement toward my “great plan” for me to see that his divine plan would be… well, divine!  I was set against his divine plan for 3 reasons. 

1) It would require me to raise a lot of money and that was intimidating. 

2) It would require me to leave Rwanda for 6 months and live in the States and that was uncomfortable.

3) It would require me to give up teaching art and that was sad.

But alas, in the grand scheme of things, God’s plan won my heart.  “What is God’s divine plan for me?” you might be asking.  To go on full-time International Young Life staff in Kigali, Rwanda :)  After I opened up that door wide enough for him to step through it to reveal his best plan for my life, God rewarded me by giving me unbelievable peace about all those things I was earlier apprehensive about.  Now a different journey begins as I am striving to become more like Bumblebee, the Autobot.  In that aspiration, the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit is they only way that I can come any closer to being the Micki that would be equivalent to the Camaro’s Autobot.  Because of Jesus’ death and resurrection, I never have to be that Camaro again.  Paul says it well when he proclaimed,  “Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?  Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.” Romans 7:24-25

Uncertainty

I wake up most mornings feeling like I’ve got a good handle on what could possibly occur that day.  Sure, there are some good and bad surprises each day, but usually my life remains close to unaltered in spite of them.  However, there are those few circumstances that seem to shake the ground I walk on.  Because of those surprises, I end up in question over my purpose, my worth, my future, and my ability.  Over the last few months, I have been living through an earthquake of surprises.  The big earthquake happened a couple months ago when my future at KICS was up in the air and my calling to Young Life staff was a solid as dried cement.  Since then I have experienced tremors every couple of weeks in which I wonder all those things I mentioned earlier.  Last Friday was one of those tremors.  A series of events happened that made me question my future role in Kigali.  There is something about knowing that I will be returning to Rwanda in August and yet not knowing exactly what my role will be that has let fear and panic creep into my heart. 

I’m never exactly sure how to assess God’s calling.  I don’t know when to think practically and when to just GO because God deemed it good even when it doesn’t make sense to the world.  In coming to Rwanda, I chewed over the idea for months before I actually said yes to coming.  Now I’m here and indeed it has been confirmed that this is where God wants me.  Now the question is, in what capacity?  I have been praying about this a lot… In fact I think I have been using prayer to keep me from making a decision.  Did you know you could overuse prayer?  I can’t just pray and pray about something and never DO anything that the prayer entails.  While my excuse is that I am waiting for a clear answer from God, I know that I wouldn’t be seeking this answer if I didn’t already know what he was calling me to do.  It’s just that what He is seemingly calling me to do is unknown and scary and I don’t feel qualified in a lot of ways.  Fear is a thief of joy and I too often allow it to be the loudest voice in my head. 

Through this process, I want to encourage you (as well as myself) to be confident knowing that God says “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13 

God’s Majesty

It's not every day that I feel peace about where God has me, but today is one of those rare days.  In church on Sunday, I was struck by God’s magnitude, beauty, and love.  I was reminded of how HUGE God is and how this whole universe worships Him as its creator.  Who am I, but a small breath of air compared to Him?  At times I worry... about small things like money, friends, teaching, future, etc.  I think about my life and isolate it from God’s plan, not just for me, but for all of His creation.  He takes joy in His magnificent creations that are beyond my comprehension, and even though humans are the created beings that defy him and keep returning to the thought that this life is about us, He values us above all of his creation.  A love like that floors me and I don't even understand it. 

I live in a place that used to harbor hate and relentless murder.   Fear sometimes overcomes my loved ones because they are scared for my life living in a place with such a violent history.  I admit, sometimes I get scared too, but more so, I am not scared to die.  Days like today remind me of what true life is, and it isn't here.  I may physically live in Rwanda, Kigali, Gaculiro, but my heart lives with Jesus.  Everything this life offers is NOTHING compared to knowing and being known by my creator!  I wanted to share the video that played such a large part in harvesting peace in my heart.  So, here it is!  Click on the link below and watch all the way to the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU6kMtkV9Fc&feature=related