Grieving COVID-19 Losses

COVID 19.

I bet you haven't heard that enough, right?  It seems like everyone's life just got catapulted into this void of unknown as soon as COVID 19 moved into town.  I mean EVERYONE and EVERYWHERE.  No one is exempt which means everyone has a story to tell.  Everyone has experienced loss to some degree.  Everyone one has had to adjust his or her expectations for what the future months were supposed to be.  Everyone has had to put aside their own dreams, desires, and sometimes goals to serve the greater good; health and safety for our world.

Hear me when I say, "It's okay to grieve."

There is a lot to grieve right now!  Our world (collectively) has flipped turned upside down and left us wondering, "What now?"

• Many of us have jumped on the train of positivity right away, making at home plans and goals, trying to keep ourselves feeling purposeful and staying hopeful this won't last long.  

• Many of us have experienced guilt in even thinking about being sad because there are others in worse conditions than us.

• Many of us sweep any feelings of despair away by painting nice God infused phrases over our feelings.  

I've experienced all these things.  So I assume, since we are all humans experiencing the same dynamics throughout the whole world, that you might have experienced similar things.

Personally, this pandemic has come at a time that I wouldn't have chosen. Go figure!  I have lived in Rwanda nearly 10 years and my husband and I had planned to move to the States at the end of May this year. Two weeks ago, we were still making lots of plans toward that move... then COVID 19 came to Rwanda.  Everything changed.  We had to cancel everything we had planned in ministry.  Being my last few months, I was anticipating many final events and going away parties to bring conclusion to a decade of my time here.  But a week ago, the lock down was put into place.  That's when it sank in.  This isn't going to end soon.  Several friends evacuated to their home countries.  We can't see my husband's family, who lives in the same city.  We can't have special time with friends.  We will leave without any real goodbyes.  Even when this does clear up, nothing will be as we had hoped it would be.  I wept... and wept... and wept some more.

And this is what I know about Jesus.  He wept with me.

He didn't tell me to stop crying and to trust him instead.  He didn't tell me that I shouldn't be sad because others are worse off than me.  He didn't tell me that sorrow has no place in my heart.

I know this because Jesus has great empathy and experienced a great amount of emotions when he walked this earth.  One example is that Jesus wept... when his friend Lazarus died.  And yet, he raised him from the dead a few moments later!  (John 11:33-44)  Jesus experienced grief and in the same breath he trusted in God the Father.  He did both at the same time.  And that means we can too.

And the best part for us is that as we grieve over any loss we've experienced in the past few weeks or months, we can be assured that Jesus understands our pain and has entered into it with us.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18

God draws near to us in our pain.  It's not up to our performance through the pain to earn his approval.  He is committed to you because that's who He is! And He wants to listen to our hearts through this time of grave disappointments.  He wants us to draw near to Him in return.

"O LORD, how long will you forget me?  Forever?  
How long will you look the other way? 
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?"
Psalm 13:1-2

King David always prayed from the depths of his heart.  And sometimes it wasn't pretty!  But as he spilled out his feelings of despair, I sense the feeling of relief from being heard.  He ended this prayer with hope and trust in the Lord, demonstrating that he felt lots of emotions while trusting the Lord. 

"But I trust in your unfailing love.  I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
  I will sing to the LORD because he is good to me."
Psalm 13:5-6

So, my friends, as you think about what this world change means for you and your life, remember to allow yourself to grieve.  Remember Jesus has entered into the pain with you.  And you can trust God alongside grieving what you've lost. 

The Journey of Leaving

SURRENDER.  The morning of New Years Day, that’s the word Gervais and I chose to uplift in 2020.  We will be holding it close to mind and heart as we prepare to surrender our beautiful life in Kigali to the Lord as we close out this chapter and on to another. 

I bet you didn’t even know I had a blog until now!  I haven’t updated it in years probably because life in Rwanda became normal and it didn’t feel like a new adventure everyday as it once did.  It felt like home.  Three years ago I remember thinking… my life never changes.  I thought this as I watched friends get married, have kids, and make big moves. Yet I felt I had hit the snooze on change.  But a year later, God rocked everything I thought I knew.  Nothing dramatic or traumatic happened.  God just spoke to me.  Now that I say that, it is pretty dramatic! 

I thought I would be in Rwanda forever.  I had no idea of God’s plans except that I wanted in.  Last I heard he told me to come to Rwanda.  I didn’t usually seek to know if he kept saying stay.  I felt like he’d let me know if it was time to move on and he sure did.  I want to share this story with you because when you are in a place as long as I’ve been (nearly 10 years) an explanation is often desired by those who stay.  I know I’ve been the one who stays for a few generations of exodus in Kigali and have often wondered how people know it’s time.  Well, I want to break this into parts of how God spoke to me because it wasn’t all at once.  God loves me, this I know, and he showed me even in how he asked me to go.

FIRST WORD

In October 2017, I was invited to my first Young Life SALT (Senior African Leadership Team) gathering in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania.  Since then, those gatherings have been a special time of hearing from God for me.  There was a lot to be said about the first one though!  It came at a time when I was completely spent and crippled!  I had the craziest two months prior to this with having my phone stolen, and then my ankle sprained, and then my friend Kelsey getting into a terrible accident right before I left for the trip.  Both Kelsey and I went to the airport in wheelchairs, although she was going to London for surgery and I was going to SALT.  I remember sitting down with Papa Deo and Mama Irene, the spiritual consultants at the time, and lamenting about how I felt like I was under attack.  Papa Deo asked me an odd question after hearing me out.  He asked, “If you were to fall in love and the man asked you to move to California with him, would you go?” I laughed at the question thinking how ridiculous it sounded.  But I sat and thought about it and realized my answer was no.  I felt too responsible for Young Life ministry in Rwanda.  How could I up and leave it for a guy?!  Papa Deo sensed my hesitation and said this phrase that still sticks with me today. “You are not supposed to be married to ministry.”  That was the start of me putting this ministry into God’s hands and being open to his next path for me. 

SECOND WORD

A few months later, I was approached about a Young Life position in Bloomington, IN to be the YL College director, working alongside a dear friend of mine, Jeff Mahrt.  I’ve been approached by other YL areas before and usually my answer was a quick no and I never even gave it another it.  But this was different.  Two months after he mentioned the position to me I still was daydreaming about it.  My heart was free to dream and wonder about what God might have in store.  But I was at war with myself.  I was starting to want a change, but was scared to face it if it ever surfaced. 

THIRD WORD

In March 2018, I went to another SALT gathering in Dar es Salaam.  During this training, there was a lot of talk about replacing yourself in ministry.  I felt discouraged at this because I felt like as long as I had been pouring into leaders, none have been seeing themselves in my position… in other words none have seem called into full time ministry.  So I was sulking in my chair when Steve Larmey, the VP of YL Africa/Middle East at the time, asked me if I had someone to replace me.  I said no and just shook my head.  He took notice and I believe God kept me on Steve’s heart because later that week he asked to speak to me before I left. 

So we were having a big party at the end of the week, mingling and saying goodbyes with dear friends, when one of those friends, whom I had just met, approached me with these words, “Hey Micki, so I usually never say anything to anyone about things God puts on my heart to tell them unless it comes to me like 6 times.  So I’m here and God told me to tell you 10.  Does that mean anything to you?”  I was bewildered that God would speak to her about me in the first place!  I couldn’t understand what 10 would mean to me until a few moments later when I finally had my conversation with Steve.  He first asked me, “How long will you be in Rwanda? “  I was a bit flustered by this question because I felt like I had given Steve no reason to worry that I’d be leaving soon.  So I just said to him, “At least another two years, because that’s how long I would need emotionally before I could leave.”  He then said to me, “I want you to know you are not responsible for finding your replacement in ministry.  That’s my job.”  And somehow, at those words, God entered freedom into my heart.  It broke the chains of my feeling of responsibility and opened me up further to God’s new plan for my life.  I lay in bed that night, wondering what God was doing.  I still wasn’t sure what 10 meant.  I couldn’t figure out where the number 2 came from, but it came out of my mouth.  As I pondered all of this, a math equation came to my mind.  I had been in Rwanda almost 8 years. I told Steve I’d be there another 2 years.  And my friend Shay spoke 10 over me.  Lord, are you calling me back to the States?  That was the question in my heart that was exploding with emotion at the thought. 

FOURTH WORD

Over the next week, everything I read, listened to, and prayed was about this new thing God was calling me to.  I would cry on my way home from club, missing the kids and leaders already.  I mourned for months and I wasn’t even gone yet!  But I felt it in my heart, that God had something new for me.  It was a scary yet exciting time.  I felt like God was seeing me and not just what I did for him through Young Life.  He noticed me.  I mulled over that for months and started dreaming of where God would have me next.  The miracle in it all was that God placed a desire in my heart to move back to the States as well.  Three or so months later, I felt like I needed to spend some needed prayer time away to solidify if God was really saying that I should move to the States.  So I booked a solo prayer retreat at Lake Kivu for a weekend in July.  Not long after I booked that, my friend Annie started dating a guy.  Being single in Rwanda was hard but manageable especially when having single friends I could do everything with.  Annie was one of those friends I was always with.  Within a week of her dating Eric, things seemed pretty serious.  About at the week mark of their relationship, I had a sleepless night crying out to God.  I was happy for Annie, but angry that I had not yet been given a spouse of my own.  And there I was, praying about leaving Rwanda in 2 years, so in my head, I would be waiting at least another 2 years for a spouse!  I wasn’t even praying to God that night. I was raw with my emotions and just letting him know how I felt. 

The next day, I was sharing with my friend Shelbye about the night I had, crying about being single again.  As I was sharing with her, I received a text.  I looked down at it and was surprised to see that it was from Gervais asking me out to dinner.  My immediate reaction was to laugh and say to Shelbye, “Welp, I guess this will solve all my problems!”  I thought God was so funny and timely!  I also had never thought about Gervais as a potential boyfriend so I dismissed it at first.  But later that night I said yes.  Gervais and I went on our first date and then on our second.  On the second date, Gervais told me how he felt about me and asked if I felt the same.  I told him I honestly didn’t know how I felt.  Then he asked me how long I would be in Rwanda.  “I’m actually going on a prayer retreat tomorrow to ask God about that,” was my response.       

At the start of our second date, I didn’t know where this was going.  By the end of our second date, I couldn’t stop thinking about Gervais.  That continued on to the next morning on my drive to Lake Kivu.  I was so caught up in thinking about him that I went in the wrong direction for an hour before I realized I was lost!  I also thought that the timing of starting to date someone, especially a handsome Rwandan someone, was so interesting because here I was praying about leaving Rwanda! So as I sat down to pray that weekend, I asked God to speak to me.  God sent me to a verse in John 10 where it says the sheep recognize the shepherd’s voice.  He was reminding me that I heard him before.  I know his voice because I’m his sheep.  Then without any prompting, my mind was brought back to that sleepless night I had a couple weeks ago when the anguish in my heart was that I would leave Rwanda and have to wait at least 2 more years to get married.  I kid you not, I heard God say, “Why wouldn’t I give you both?”  I broke down in tears of joy, not understanding God’s love for me.  From that point on, I felt so bold in my pursuit of a relationship with Gervais and in moving to the States. 

SO WHAT'S NEXT?

For those of you who don’t know, Gervais and I got engaged after 3 months of dating and then got married in June 2019!  All of which feels like God’s 2^nd greatest love story to me, second behind Jesus.  Since our 3^rd date, Gervais and I have been planning to move to the States in June 2020.  We’ve kept it somewhat silent because we have wanted to remain present with friends, family, and teenagers without the constant talk about what our plans are.  Up until recently, we didn’t have any plans confirmed!  But now we know that starting in June 2020 we will be moving to my hometown of Jasper, Indiana and I will be the next Young Life Area Director for Dubois County!  We will get to sow into a community that greatly influenced me toward Christ.  We are thankful to be near family and for Gervais to live where I’m from.  There is always a happy and a sad to each transition.  We will really miss Kigali, but expect to visit as frequently as we can!  As far as Young Life ministry goes, we still have a lot of questions as to what International School YL will look like in the future, but trust that God is truly faithful and will provide who and what is needed for God’s mission to continue.  We would appreciate your prayers for the community we leave behind and the community we will go into.  Pray for us to have complete surrender to God as we mold into his plan for our lives.  

When life throws you curve-balls...

I thrive when I have a routine.  When life throws curve-balls at me and my routine is broken up, I've notice that I end up just surviving each day as it comes.  This is a big problem since life is a series of curve-balls that pile up at my door step waiting to throw me off my oh-so-important-routine. 

I've spent the past 5 months surviving many curveballs- all of which have been good things and blessings from God.  But all of which took me away from life as I knew it.  They took me away from the "normal" days I had gotten comfortable with.  Even though they were good, they put a wedge between me and God.  Maybe you learned this a while back (I'm sure having kids expedites the process), but I feel as though I'm learning for the first time again that when life is irregular, the easiest and worst thing I could do is put off God. 

When I came off of this season of irregularity, I heard a recurring word echo from books, sermons, and deep within my heart.  SANCTIFICATION.  It's a pretty big and heavy word to hear that many times in the span of a week to not think that God is saying something to me.  I'm still deep in the journey to seek out the meaning of this word for me, but I will fill you in to where I am with it thus far. 

Sanctification is the process of growing in our faith and acknowledging the fact that we cannot live the Christian life in our own strength or goodness. (True Spirituality, Francis A. Schaeffer)  This can sometimes be confused with justification which is complete through Christ's death on the cross which justified all of our sins before God.  That is a finished work of Christ that isn't depending on how we live out our Christian faith.  Sanctification does not deal with our salvation, but it does deal with the power of sin that lingers in our lives as Christians.  And this is where I am.  Sin likes to creep in the small spaces we allow it to in our lives.  The spaces so small it is unnoticeable to most and even acceptable to some.  I've lied to myself that those small sins don't have power over me.  But when another curve ball is thrown my way, that small sin is given just a little room to grow; and grow it must if it wants to accomplish its purpose of drawing me away from God. 

Christ has shown His power over Sin and death when he rose from the dead.  He then appeared to his disciples and gave them the Holy Spirit before he left (Luke 24:49) telling them that they will do greater things than even He did (John 14:12)!  That it was better that he left so he could be with them more through the Spirit (John 16:7)!  This is the day we live in folks.  Where Jesus is alive and his Spirit is at work in us and through us (Romans 8:11).

When sin creeps in and is given a chance to grow, it's not our salvation that suffers.  It's us and it's our fruitfulness as Christ's disciples that suffers.  It may not seem like we are missing much, since we aren't capable of seeing the fruitfulness that could've been.  But I want to acknowledge before whoever is reading this that I am not satisfied living with could've beens.  Especially because we have the Author of Life as a resource and a power source to thrive in this life!  I choose to catch those curve-balls thrown at me instead of let them knock me out.  I choose to allow them to enhance my relationship with God instead of create distance.  I choose to thrive.  Sayonara to surviving.   

Who do you trust? Coupled with important prayer requests!

I was appointed to give a club talk this week for Wyld Life club and was stumped as to what to say and how to say it.  Originally I wanted to express how great the power of Jesus was and is.  I wanted kids to see that Jesus can do ANYTHING in our lives if we ask him to.  But then, something happened.  I was robbed. 
I live in a house with 5 other single women- each of which is living in Rwanda serving the Lord in one way or another.  Four of us went away for a long weekend, only to return to the reality that our guard stole from us and fled.  He not only took a large amount of our money and some pricey possessions, but he also stole our trust.  He robbed us of feeling secure in our home.  He robbed us of being able to trust people in the same way we trusted him.  He deeply hurt us.  He damaged the perception we have of Rwanda.  So much was changed in our world at the expense of this single betrayal. 

So recently, my mind and spirit have been tightly linked to this event.  Inspiration for a club talk about God's power seemed distant and forced.  However, I have been reminded that while people are capable of being trusted, we are all imperfect at it.  We trusted our guard for years because he proved to us he was trustworthy.  He never gave us a reason to doubt his integrity.  Temptation got a hold of him and the trust we had for him was shattered in just a moment of weakness.  People aren't perfectly trustworthy, but Jesus is.  Jesus never goes back on a promise and His love for us outweighs any "selfish ambition" that people fall into.  He would never betray us because he isn't out to get anything from us.  He humbled himself and was born as a human being in order to show us his character, his love, his forgiveness, and his absolute trustworthiness!  He isn't out to get anything from us because he needs nothing from us.  He is complete on his own!  Our response of loving him in return is a bonus and a reason for him to celebrate, but He doesn't rely on it.  His love has no strings attached.  He loves simply because that is who He is.  He is trustworthy simply because He has no ounce of evil in him and his love makes it impossible for Him to do anything that would hurt us. 

Who do you trust?  If you have a hard time trusting people, I understand.  I feel like a fool for trusting our guard like I did.  But when we trust God, we can't live in fear that people will constantly be on the verge of betraying us.  Trusting God is understanding that people will let us down, but He will help us back up when that happens.  Trusting God is seeing that God will redeem all types of betrayal so we can continue to trust that He is at work in our relationships with people.  God is still powerful and can still do anything.  Through this trial, I've just seen how "The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. Jesus' purpose is to give us a rich and satisfying life." (John 10:10)  And the importance of this command to "Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Luke 12:33-34)  

Please pray for my house (there are 6 of us) as we continue to search for our guard through the police.  Pray for peace in our house- a couple roommates are also feeling ill and we are all feeling uneasy and vulnerable.  Pray for our guard- that he may be found and that he would repent of this sin and come to know the grace of God.  Pray for us as we determine how to move on toward more heightened security and a system to put in place to keep this from happening again.  Pray for us as we also try to move forward with less resources and money (due to the theft) to live the way we've been living.  Pray that God would use this trial to strengthen our trust in Him!  Amen!

Home

First Safari: September 2010

Four years ago I arrived in this beautifully strange land with a thousand hills and a million possibilities.  Everything was new and scary but I was starting an adventure, just me and God.  There was no trace of my prior life here in Rwanda.  It was exhilarating to step that far out of my comfort zone.  Even whilst living here, my reality has changed over and over again when waves of people come and go I'm left behind trying to adapt to my new normal.  Comfort zone... what even is that anymore?  

Friends in Kigali: April 2011

Friends in Kigali: May 2013

Friends in Kigali: April 2014

I spent a month in the States this July and I was shocked by my own inability to adapt back to my prior life, my prior self, my prior understanding of home.  The question of "what is home?" kept circling my mind.  I always thought of it as my safe place where I am understood and can be at ease.  My physical residence has changed several times in my life, but home has always seemed sturdy until now.  It has nothing to do with anything or anybody but me.  I have changed.  I have become conflicted of where I fit best; in the place I grew up? or in the foreign place I have come to reside?  The thing is, neither of those places are really home to me.  I can't go back to not knowing the things I now know from living outside of my own culture.  I also can't pretend I really fit in to a place where I'm consistently stared at because I'm so "exotic".  In one sense, I'm stuck in this place of misunderstandings.  But on the other hand, I have been given a huge gift!  This dilemma makes me rely on God's promise to provide an everlasting home for me and to be evermore thankful that whilst I feel like a nomad on this planet, God placed a desire in me to be at home with Him.  He is the only place I could reside in which I would be completely known, understood, appreciated, loved, safe, and comforted.  Why search anywhere else to provide that for me?  It would be second rate!  

Friends in Kigali: July 2014

While I was in Indiana this July, my beloved uncle, Ron Seger, passed away and left us for this eternal home promised to him.  He was an incredible man of faith and I admired the way he did not waver when his illness steadily got worse.  He knew that this life on earth wasn't all there was.  Anxiety of dying didn't follow him because he sought after God to provide the security that his best days are ahead of him in a place that will fulfill his every need and ache in his heart for complete union with his loving and gracious Creator.  I thank God for Ron's life, legacy, and example of the inexplicable peace we can have when we abandon all fears of the unknown and trust in the LORD!  Home isn't a place, time, or even a group of people.  Home is forever in the presence of a loving God who calls you His.  

"For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. ² We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. ³ For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies.⁴ While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. ⁵ God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit. ⁶ So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. ⁷ For we live by believing and not by seeing. ⁸ Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. ⁹ So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him. ¹⁰ For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body." 2 Corinthians 5:1-10

He is Strong

I have been quiet lately.  I usually try to keep this blog up to date each month at least, but I have fallen way behind.  The reason I have failed to speak up on here is mainly because I have been weary and discouraged in the past few months.  Who wants to hear about that?  I would much rather be so encouraged that I can't help but write about all the amazing things I'm discovering about God and seeing him work in me and in the kids and leaders I am pouring into!  I'd much rather share with you the miracles I experience and the revelations God has given me.  I'd much rather be seen as strong and faith-filled than broken and weak.   But alas, I am the latter.  While I'd much rather come to you all put together, instead I am going to proclaim my weaknesses to all of you. 

I have come to a point of emotional and mental exhaustion.  It is no mystery to me why I'm so tired and weak.  I confess that I have been reliant on my own power and wisdom to do so many things; things of Kingdom importance.  I have spent more time planning than praying, more time speaking than seeking, more time doing than being.  Just saying that makes me release a big "ughhh".  I experience frustration with myself for being so ignorant and prideful as to think I can do any of this without God!  Yet, I keep trying.  The Lord has been so patient and gracious with me.  He is gently instructing me and revealing what this really means, "When I am weak, then I am strong."  I've come to realize my limitations.  I have many.  I have filled my life with a bunch of stuff.  Stuff that seemed imperative and good and noble, but when there's so much of it, it loses its significance and becomes just stuff.  Have you ever had that happen in your life?  It isn't the stuff that makes me tired.  It's the fact that the stuff tries to take priority over my time with the Source of Life who would give me the strength, courage, and vision to approach the stuff!  ...The word stuff has strangely lost its meaning now that I've overused it.  Which is exactly how it happens!

I want to eliminate the meaningless "stuff" from my life and focus on my Strong God who brings meaning to all the stuff in my life.  While I certainly can't do all the stuff I want to be able to do, my God can!  I'm learning every day what it means to rely on the Lord by each second.  He is holding me up.  He is lightening my burden.  He is taking on all the stuff.  He is filling me with His joy and peace.  He is my stronghold.  He is all things good and true.  And I am His.  

Freedom

Sometimes I can't figure out what to write in a blog post because I have no inspiration.  Today, I am  struggling to discern which of the many thoughts going through my head are the most worthy to post about.  I've had an epic end to 2013 and also a pretty noteworthy beginning to 2014.  Notice it's already the end of February and I'm still talking about the new year.  I've been kind of stuck in this transitional time.  I miss normalcy and routine, but at the same time, I think my notion of normal has gone out the window since moving my life to Rwanda.

As soon as I arrived back in Rwanda from spending a month in the States, I felt this tremendous pressure.  Pressure to accomplish.  Pressure to jump right back on the horse.  Pressure to get the ball rolling.  Pressure to get over my own personal issues.  Pressure to be somebody who can tackle a task way bigger than me.  Pressure is my worst enemy.  This type of pressure is built on pride which is the absence of trust in God.  When I'm experiencing this pressure, I am experiencing a world where God isn't active.  A world that is based on a lie.

I've been praying for freedom from the weight of this pressure.  It isn't mine to bear.  God reminded me this week that He doesn't ask for me to accomplish anything on my own.  All he asks is for me to love Him through obedience.  Now, some might see that statement and think that God is a dictator of sorts who only wants us to obey His law.  I used to see it that way, but the more I've gotten to know God, the more I understand that there is so much FREEDOM in obeying God without the responsibility of being God!  Because of this, I can move forward each day, knowing that through obeying Him, GOD will accomplish more than I can imagine.  God has never gotten off the horse.  God's ball has never stopped rolling.  God's only issue is with Sin, not with me, and guess what?  He's already conquered that issue.  God gives us freedom to trust Him with all the worries of the world because He cares for us.

Young Life Africa is praying for freedom this year; the type of freedom that Christ died for.  I don't think freedom is spoken of often enough.  And when it is, it can be misconstrued into a worldly type of freedom.  A freedom to sin and live however you want.  This prayer for freedom in Christ is coming alive in the form of a Freedom Walk happening this July!  Click on that link to see what it's about and how you can be praying for freedom where you live as well as in Africa.  Spread the word that God offers the truest form of freedom!

Slaves in the land the Lord gave them

I’ve been on a journey reading my way through the Old Testament for almost 2 years now.  I’m not nearly finished; partially because I switch in some New Testament reading some days and partially because sometimes I get stuck on one chapter and I can’t seem to move past it.  Well, this is one of those times I’m stuck.  I can’t move past Nehemiah 9.  It’s like light to a moth… I can’t help it; it’s so beautiful!  <--quote taken from A Bug’s Life

The whole chapter is a prayer.  Not a prayer like I’ve ever prayed.  A prayer that gives a history lesson of what God has done to bring His people to the promise land and how their ancestors have sinned horribly against God even while He was so faithful in providing for them.  (If you want a brief synopsis of the OT, just read Nehemiah 9.)  I’m stuck here because this prayer is so raw and relatable.  Some examples of their prayers are, “YOU warned them (their ancestors) to return to your Law, but they became proud and obstinate and disobeyed your commands… WE have sinned greatly, you gave us only what we deserved…”  It doesn’t give much room for them to hide their flaws individually or as a group of people.  They also point out to God things like, “YOU displayed miraculous signs and wonders against Pharaoh…  YOU came down at Mount Sinai and spoke to them from heaven… YOU gave them bread from heaven when they were hungry…”  While this prayer also speaks personally for me in the fact that God used this history to bring forth Jesus Christ, who miraculously came from this far-from-perfect group of people, I see even more depth to it than that. 

The last paragraph in Nehemiah 9 sums up with, “So now today we are slaves in the land of plenty that You gave our ancestors for their enjoyment!  We are slaves here in this good land.  The lush produce of this land piles up in the hands of the kings whom you have set over us because of our sins.  They have power over us and our livestock.  We serve them at their pleasure, and we are in great misery.” 

I just keep seeing the irony in that they were enslaved by the very thing that God meant for them to enjoy.  But instead, it taunted them and was a constant reminder of how their sins and their ancestors’ sins got in the way of living out what God intended for them.   This whole prayer is full of repentance, not blame.  It would have been easy for them to blame their ancestors for not being obedient; to blame God for seemingly not holding true to all of His promises.  Blaming is easy.  But they didn’t blame anyone.  They even took responsibility for their ancestors mistakes!  What?  They saw how their own sins got them in this predicament and recognized that their ancestors’ sins were no greater than their own.  They saw that God was being just as well as merciful.

I also think about life and how God gives us all blessings of some sort.  For me, he has blessed me with a wonderful family, sincere friendships, a clear purpose in life, stable health, etc.  However, I am not immune to becoming a slave to any of these things.  What God gives us to enjoy, can easily become a replacement for God’s place in our lives.  We become slaves to the things we worship.  If our lives are all about making and maintaining friends, then friends become our Lord.  If our lives are all about finding and achieving purpose for our lives, then our quest soon becomes what we worship.  While none of these things are inherently bad, they have the potential to take over the throne of Jesus Christ in our hearts.  Whenever this happens on whatever scale, we are miserable human beings.  Why?  Because we were made to worship only one God.  When we worship and serve His creation instead of Him, we end up feeling unfulfilled and incomplete.  Deep down we all know there is more to life than any of us can really experience while on this earth.  I speak in “we” because this is where I am and hope that others can relate to my state.  I want to live the fullness of life that God has for me, but like God’s people in Nehemiah, I recognize that my sins interfere with this far too often.  Even other people’s sins can interrupt what God intended for me to enjoy, just like the ancestor’s sins made a mess for future generations being slaves in the land of plenty.  While that’s true, nothing can interrupt or interfere with God’s love for us or His ultimate plan to redeem us through His Son Jesus Christ.  Nothing.  That is where my hope lies in the midst of this mess of sin.  Where else could I find hope? 

Does God really care?

Two things I know: God is able and God is good.  Ironically these are two statements I see written on buses, signs of shops, and random mud houses in villages all over Rwanda.  Looks like most Rwandans know this too.  Even when knowing these two things, there is still so much I don’t know… or that I haven’t had tattooed on my heart yet. 

It’s one thing to know God’s character and power.  It’s another to know in your heart that God cares about you.  Today I was struck with the realization that I often reflect on the fact that God is in control and that He is in fact a good God, therefore He will make things work out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. (Rom 8:28) However, not often enough do I reflect on the fact that God accepts me for who I am.  But he doesn’t accept me for what I do or fail to do.  Nope.  He accepts me because of what Jesus did on my behalf.  Today, being reminded of that was such a relief!  The fact is, God cares!  He cares enough to go to the ends of the earth to make Himself available to me and to you.  If He is willing to let His only son die a gruesome death in order for us to know how deep His love is for us, then what other evidence do I need to be convinced that God cares about me?  When I remember that beyond my failures and triumphs, God sees me with the same unconditional love, I have freedom to live without fear, anxiety, or doubt of whether or not God is listening to my prayers. 

I’ve been reading this book called “The Ultimate Conversation” by Charles Stanley.  So far the biggest thing stressed in this book about prayer is that our view of God directly affects how we pray.  Why would I take the time to sit and talk with God if I didn’t believe in my heart that He truly cares about me?  I wouldn’t… I don’t feel comfortable sharing my heart with someone who is indifferent about my life.  Even if I believed that person to be a good person with lots of power, I still wouldn’t.  I need to know they care about me. 

For my prayer life to strengthen, my view of God’s love for me must get stronger.  It’s not about trying to be overly holy or proving to God that I trust Him.  It’s all about getting to know my Maker and my Savior and being changed by His love. 

RELAX

I’ve had a week of addressing legitimate concerns that directly affect me and Rwanda Young Life.  I spent all day yesterday on the phone with various people trying to find a solution to the problems at hand.  In my mind, I had good reason for freaking out.  I had all reasons to lose it completely, if I wanted to.  However, just about every African I talked to about my problem told me to relax.

RELAX?!  Seriously?  That’s your solution?  I was so annoyed by this reaction because I couldn’t see a way to “relax” when I felt I had to spring into action and conquer all.  I had to figure something out or else the consequences were going to be catastrophic to my being in Rwanda.  I had to review all my options so that I would know which direction was best.  I had to be in control.  I had to have control.  I had to. 

What if I didn’t? 

You know, I’ve realized something about myself.  While I profess faith, I have very little.  Living in Africa is difficult for many reasons, but is easy for one.  There are so many faith filled people who live here.  All those people who told me to relax weren’t saying it to frustrate me or to condemn me for not having faith.  They were telling me to relax because they loved me and wanted me to experience the faith they had in our very BIG God.  The faith that brings peace beyond our understanding.  The faith that proclaims God as sovereign over our whole life & the whole world.  The faith that responds with thanksgiving when facing trials.  The faith that moves mountains.  The faith that heals.  The faith that always wins because God is on our side. 

On my way home after taking a step of faith to inquire with immigration about getting a visa, I saw the word “RELAX” stamped on the back of a car.  My response: “I surrender… I will relax in Jesus Christ.  May His will be done.” 

Settling in

List of things accomplished in the month of May:

Finished the school year strong with Young Life water club and a cookout

 

Gave thanks for an incredibly reliable and dedicated group of volunteer YL leaders here in Kigali

Said goodbye to a lot of good friends… most of which have moved back to the States for many different reasons

 

Said hello to a lot of new and old friends… I need to be taking more pictures for more evidence of this

 

Moved into a big awesome house that I hope will be my home for the next 3 years

Bought a Rav 4 with a rockin’ stereo and some rad detailing featured in the 90’s

Inherited a dog named Dagger, who is a joyful presence in our home as well as the pickiest eater I’ve ever met :)

God’s Plan Wins

Somehow… I made it to Kigali!  There were a few times throughout the last ten months that I doubted I’d make it back.  One of those times was on my way here.  Ok, I didn’t actually think I wouldn’t make it back, but it was not an easy road to take.  Or should I say flight to take. 

Sitting in the Louisville airport, watching a dozen people speaking frantically with flight attendants at my terminal was my first sign that it wasn’t a great day for flying.  My flight had already been delayed to where I would need to book it to get on my next flight once I arrived in Chicago.  Prior to this point, I was so thrilled about my flight schedule.  I somehow got away with finding at 21 hour flight to Kigali with only 3 legs and short layovers.  (Short layovers are only good when everything else goes according to plan.  Lesson learned.)  I also was scheduled to arrive in Kigali on Saturday night, which meant that I’d be able to hang out with friends all day Sunday before I left for YL training on Monday. 

Once my flight’s delay got longer and longer, I realized there was really no hope in being able to make my flight to Istanbul.  Nobody on American Airlines could help me because they didn’t have access to anything Turkish Airlines.  When I arrived to Chicago at 11pm, my flight was long gone by 45 minutes.  I was instructed by my flight attendant to go to the Turkish Airlines desk to inquire about rescheduling my flight.  Just a side note, the Chicago O’Hare airport is huge.  Moving on.  By the time I got to the International terminal, nobody was there besides one airline.  I talked to a guy who told me, “Everybody went to bed.  Go back and talk to American Airlines.”  Since American Airlines sent me there, I felt mislead and defeated to my wits end.  I was exhausted with no answers as to how I would get to where I was going.  I made a call to my flight insurance agent who told me they don’t cover less than 6 hour delays.  Mine was 2.5 hours.  I went to American Airlines again where I was told, and like I recalled, they couldn’t help me. 

Here’s what I learned.  Things don’t always go as planned.  As I was navigating around that near empty airport, I could almost hear God telling me, “Trust me.  You can make plans, but know that My plans are best.”  I started thinking about this role as Young Life staff that I’m entering.  This was a reminder that things may go how I expect, but they probably won’t.  Things may change, and stuff might go wrong, but my destination should always be the same.  God got me to Kigali, even though the way was rockier than anticipated.  The destination for YL is for kids to know Jesus Christ.  The journey is how God gets us there.  Aim for the destination, take notes on the journey. 

By the mercy of God, I was stranded in the one international airport that was in the same city as my sister, Dani, and her family.  I was able to spend those 2 unplanned days in the States with them.  They were so helpful in driving me back and forth to the airport several times, taking a shift on being on hold with the multiple companies I had to call, and even convincing certain airlines that I should not have to pay for another ticket.  I could have been stranded anywhere, alone.  Instead I was taken care of and given more time with my beloveds.  God values relationships more than He values our detailed plans.  He created us to be in community. God really opened my eyes to how much I need a community to complete this call He placed on my life.  Next step; building a community around Young Life in Kigali!

Oh, to Witness a Miracle…

 

(Written on March 6) This has been the craziest two days of my entire life.  I have never in my wildest dreams imagined I would witness such an abundance of miracles as I have through raising support for Rwanda Young Life.  I am baffled, bewildered, and blessed by the overflow of funds that have come in over the last 9 months and even the last two days.  Two days ago, I recall praying that God’s timing would be perfect and that when He wanted me to be back in Rwanda, that would be the moment I would step on Kigali soil.  When I prayed that, I anticipated and hoped for April, but also knew logically that it would probably be later than that.  My logic was trumped by God’s reality quicker than I could have ever thought possible.  I’d heard stories about God providing in abundance in the last leg after a long marathon of fundraising, but I never thought I would be one to tell that story.  But here I am! 

(Written April 4) With only 8 days remaining before I depart to Rwanda, I’ve been reminded of how easy it is to move forth with life, forgetting about God’s miracles we witness.  I was on cloud 9 on March 6, praising God with every breath I took.  I couldn’t think about anything but God’s love for me.  I saw so clearly how involved God was in my life that I forgot all about the months of challenges I had faced in the process.  I saw that He was there all along and I was humbled that I ever thought that this funding depended on my own faithfulness.  It was all done because of God’s faithfulness, not mine.  Reflecting on those two days that knocked me off my feet, I wonder why my response to God isn’t like that everyday.  We witness miracles every single day.  We witness God’s provision in every single breath.  Yet, so much junk can get in the way of a heart being set free from worry or doubt.

I am still up in the clouds about God’s love and faithfulness, but I’d say I’m on a lower cloud; like cloud 5.  I’ve been wondering why I’ve come down even as much as I have.  God is still the same God.  His love is the same as it has always been.  My vision is what has been distorted.  My focus has been less on Him, and more on “What now?”  Questions of “How?” and “What?” have been filtering through my mind, making me believe I have to have all the answers before I go.  Never will I ever have all the answers.  I have been reminded to “Be still in the presence of the LORD, and wait patiently for Him to act.” (Psalm 37:7) Sometimes I want to rush ahead of Him; make sure I’m ready for any curve ball that is thrown at me.  But I’m told to “Commit everything you do to the LORD.  Trust Him and He will help you.” (Psalm 37:5)  Sounds pretty straight forward, but its simplicity can fool us into thinking it’s easy. 

If you’ve ever heard the story of God leading the Israelites out of Egypt, you remember how shocking it was that they so easily dismissed God after seeing Him provide an abundance of miracles to ensure their safety time after time.  From the beginning of time, God has not received the credit only He deserves from His creation.  We have such short-termed memories that fixate on what is presently needed, rather than what God proved that He is more than capable of doing in our lives.  I want to fix my thoughts on what God has done, not what I need done.  Although I should bring to Him what I need on a daily basis, I hope that once my need is brought to Him, I can move forth in praise knowing that God knows best how to meet my every need.  Praise God that He is patient with us and remains the same, even when we waver in remembering that.

Repentance

I’ve always been a little leery of people who stand on the corner of a busy city street with a sign that says “REPENT… before it’s too late… or else… or go to Hell… etc…”  Yeah.  Those people.  It’s always felt too harsh, too impersonal, and too direct.  While I am not onboard with their ministry tactics, I don’t doubt that their intent is coming from a good place because repentance is something that God does desire from us.   

Recently, I have made the discovery that God desires repentance from everyone, even Christians.  It doesn’t have to be super formal or planned.  It just needs to be often.  I think that’s why the Catholic Church encourages people to go to confession on a regular basis.  We need to confess our sins/ be aware of our sins so that we may be reminded in our hearts where God stands in our lives.  I’ve been reading some old stories about the Kings of Israel during the Old Testament times and have been blown away by how God blesses the kings who come to a point of repenting of their sins.  It didn’t matter how evil they were and how many temples they destroyed or how many other gods they worshiped in place of Him.  All that mattered to God was if they came to a point where they would dethrone themselves to Him.  He was pleased by their hearts’ deep apologies and showered grace on them when this occurred.  Read 2 Chronicles 33:1-17 for an example of this.

So while I still get weird vibes from the REPENT signs, is it a good thing to remember?  Yes.  Is it offensive to put on billboards or signs in front of churches?  Yes.  But it’s only offensive because we all (no exceptions) want to sit on our own throne and play King over our lives.  “Repent” reminds us that we don’t belong there.  God does.

I’m not waiting anymore.

Often enough I feel like I am waiting.  Waiting for all the funds to come in.  Waiting for me to be back in Rwanda.  Waiting to know what next week will look like.  Waiting to see what life in Rwanda will be like in Part 2.  Waiting to see how God will make sense of this life as I know it.  Waiting for my future to unfold.  Waiting can get annoying.  I'm not saying that waiting is completely a negative thing.  It has its strong points like developing patience and trust and pushes me to be less rigid in planning my own life sequence. 
Sometimes I think I'm not really the one waiting.  God didn't place me here to wait.  He placed me here to live out this moment, this day as if it were my first and last.  These dreams I have are good dreams, but they aren't what life is about.  How often I mistake the things I want to do/am called to do for what gives my life meaning.  My life had meaning before I was even conceived.  My God created me to be, not to do.  To be his daughter, his friend, his masterpiece, his prized possession, his bride.  God is the one waiting… for me to stop trying to gain meaning in life by doing doing doing.  He is waiting for me to have peace knowing in my heart that I AM HIS. 
There is no point to waiting to be His because I already am.  He has claimed me.  When he decided to nail all my transgressions to the cross, he bought me with a high price.  Jesus died so I could live life to the full... right now, not when all my plans/dreams fall into place. 

Lose the Tude

You know those times when God is up to something that you think could be good (because God is good) but fear for the worst.  You think, if I think it’s going to be bad and it is bad, then I won’t be surprised or disappointed.  Or if I think it’s going to be bad and it turns out good, then I will be pleasantly surprised!  Win, win with a downer attitude.  I find that I do this a lot and I don’t like it.  I set myself up to think that God is not on my side or that He is actually working against me, not with me.   

It just shows how much I depend on my circumstances to bring me up or keep me down.  I desire a joy, a peace, and a faith that stems from knowing and loving a God who is so gracious, so faithful, and so loving that I involuntarily breathe His name with every move I make.  You don’t get any of that by the production of situations that occur throughout your lifetime.  God shapes us through these things, but they don’t define our worth or our purpose.  Only God can do that. 

So, come with me and resist having a downer attitude toward life’s circumstances.  Let’s see what God is doing through Positive Patty’s eyes, not Negative Nancy’s.  (For all you Patty and Nancys out there… sorry for the generalization)  God clearly states, “…God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purposes for them.”  -Romans 8:28

Bound with an Oath

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately.  Partially because it’s a part of my training to be on Young Life staff and partially because God is pouring out wisdom through these many books I’ve been reading.  Usually I try not to read more than one book at a time, but lately, it has benefitted me to read several books alongside each other.  It’s almost as if they were written to be read together.  If you’re interested in reading books that challenge you in pursuing God on a deeper level I encourage you to read Knowledge of the Holy, by A.W. Tozer and Good to Great in God’s Eyes, by Chip Ingram.  I also just finished reading Back to the Basics, by John Miller which talks about the heart of Young Life’s ministry.  

In the past couple of weeks, all three books have pointed me to focus on one thing- the promises of God.  When praying or when living out my day to day life, I rarely think about God’s promises to me.  More often than not, I live focusing on and praying for God to fix one problem after the next.  How’s God going to fix this one?  I wonder how I would live, if I actually believed that God doesn’t go back on His word.  In The Knowledge of the Holy, Tozer speaks of God as being immutable and immeasurable.  He doesn’t change and He doesn’t have measurable qualities like we do.  Those characteristics of God alone vouch for His nature of holding true to His promises.  He can never love more or less than what he already does because He is the essence of love.  He can never become more or less powerful than what He already is because He is the source of everything!  He can never change; therefore He will never change the way He feels about us. 

One story in the Bible that has brought me to stop and think about how I approach God in prayer is found in Exodus 32 in the Bible.  For those of you Bible buffs, you might already be thinking, “I bet Moses is the main character in this story”.  In fact, besides God, Moses was the only righteous one to mention back when God led His chosen people out of Egypt from their slavery to the land He promised them.  It wasn’t a quick journey and Moses had his hands full with thousands of people counting on him to relay messages of God to lead them to a fruitful future.  Moses often went up on a mountain to spend alone time with God and God would give him instructions on how to lead His people and what they needed to live a fulfilling life.  This time in particular, Moses was away with God for a long time.  So long, in fact, that God’s people started to get impatient.  So, they started melting down gold and molding it into a golden calf in which they began to worship and proclaim it as their god. 

God knew what was going on and His anger over their sin erupted when He was with Moses.  “Then the LORD said, ‘I have seen how stubborn and rebellious these people are.  Now leave me alone so my fierce anger can blaze against them, and I will destroy them.  Then I will make you, Moses, into a great nation.’” Exodus 32:9-10

I can picture Moses sitting there dumbfounded at first.  What would your response be?  Wouldn’t it be tempting to say, “Great!  I share your frustration, God!  I can’t wait to get rid of those whiners!  And it’s awesome you’d be starting over with me and my family.  I can’t think of a sweeter deal!”  Seriously, I don’t think anyone would have thought Moses would be wrong to side with God’s justice on this one.  But, he doesn’t. 

“But Moses tried to pacify the LORD his God. ‘O LORD!’ he said.  ‘Why are you so angry with your own people whom you brought from the land of Egypt with such great power ad such a strong hand?  Why let the Egyptians say, ‘Their God rescued them with the evil intention of slaughtering them in the mountains and wiping them from the face of the earth’? Turn away from your fierce anger.  Change your mind about this terrible disaster you have threatened against your people!  Remember your servants Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  You bound yourself with an oath to them saying, ‘I will make your descendants as numerous as the stars of heaven.  And I will give them all of this land that I have promised to your descendants, and they will possess it forever.’” Exodus 32:11-13

Moses CALLS GOD OUT.  He knows what God has promised because he was living by those promises.  He’s seen God’s promises come true on numerous occasions and knows that it isn’t in God’s nature to go back on His word.  He reminds God of who He is.  He also doesn’t even entertain the idea of God making him into a great nation.  His heart was for God’s people, not himself.  He speaks for those who aren’t apart of this conversation.  He speaks on behalf of the world.  He seeks to bring out God’s mercy. 

“So the LORD changed his mind about the terrible disaster he had threatened to bring on his people.” Exodus 32:14  Like me, some of you might be thinking that it’s pretty crazy for a man to be able to persuade God in such a way.  God didn’t change to fit what Moses wanted.  God is justice and God is mercy.  This story brings them together to show how God deals with us today.  Because of this story, and all the confirmation I received through reading those books about God’s promises, I just want to find out what God promises me today.  There’s transforming power in them because, as demonstrated here, God cannot break an oath.  If I prayed like Moses, reminding God of His promises, instead of praying about every problem that comes my way, I know that my world would be a brighter place.  I know that I would start to see God fulfill more promises and fix more problems than ever before.  Would you like to join me?

Bridging the Gap

It’s sometimes strange being here in Indiana.  In most cases, it feels like I never left.  Nothing huge has changed in the way the world operates here.  My family and friends have changed in circumstances, but my relationships still remain about the same.  I’d say the biggest aspect that has changed is my reason for being here. 

In Rwanda, everyone understands that you are on a mission field.  It’s not hidden that you are there with purpose and an intentional mindset to make it a better place.  Not many people go to Rwanda to retire or to have a carefree vacation.  It’s a place of restoration not of refuge.  So, in a sense, it is more comfortable to be on the mission field in Rwanda than it is in Indiana.

     

I am living here with a purpose.  The last summer I came home, I felt like a tumbleweed in the wind being blown from place to place with no ambition of landing anywhere because I was heading back to Rwanda soon.  Oh, how different it has been this time around!  After two years of being geographically and  emotionally disconnected from people, I have now been given the mission of being a catalyst in restoring those relationships as well as putting together a community of people who find immense value in being a part of the other mission field in Rwanda.  It’s almost as if I God is trying to bridge the gap between Small-town, Indiana and Big-city, Rwanda.  So, no matter where I am living, there are people who can be right there by my side while I strive to answer God’s call for my life.  In other words, I’m not in this alone.  While I struggle to make this connection on a daily basis, I know that there is great purpose for my return to Indiana for a longer stretch of time.  I have rekindled friendships that would have possibly dwindled over the next 3 years of being in Rwanda.  I have been pushed to live outside of my comfort zone in the pursuit of people I have been distant from for years.  I have been forced to evaluate my own relationship with God and to work on areas that I had neglected to see through.  I have been called to a season of rest beyond my comfort busy zone I’ve lived in for so long.  These are not easy things to change.  In fact, they require more strength than my weak little arms can lift on my own.  However, if I have the King’s strength spotting me, there is no weight too heavy nor any change too great for Him to see through in my life. 

God has never failed me.  Sure, there are times when I don’t agree with everything he does in all of life’s circumstances, BUT I have come to understand that, as His creation, I am not going to understand all His ways because He is on a totally separate brainwave than me.  He sees the world through an artist’s point of view.  We see it as being the dabs of paint or lumps of clay.  We can’t know it all.  We don’t need to know it all.  God cares for us and showed us through Jesus Christ that He’s got a plan for us and His plan doesn’t leave us behind.  It embraces us.  So, no matter where I am, God offers hope and peace beyond what each season of life brings.  My life in Rwanda and my life in Indiana can live in union because of this promise of peace.  If we have peace, there isn’t anywhere we can’t be.  Ever thought about that?

God’s calling me… ring ring…. hello?

When I was growing up, the only time I ever heard about God calling people was when they were to become a nun or a priest.  I didn’t fully understand what it meant to be called by God or to follow that call.  I had the questions, “Did God actually call these people?  It probably wasn’t a literal phone call, but did they actually hear His voice?  What did it sound like?  How did they KNOW it was God?”  I still don’t have the answers to all those questions, but I understand a little bit better what it means to be called by God. 

I think being called by God is a lot like receiving a phone call.  I don’t know about you, but I have done my fair share of screening calls.  If I’m with a group of people or in a conversation with somebody, I may not answer the phone if you call me during that.  Just warning you ;)  With caller ID, we know who is calling and can make an educated guess whether or not that call would be worth the interruption or not.  We have the choice to answer the call.  We have the choice to allow our lives to be interrupted by the call.  The only difference is, a call from God might interrupt our plans for our lives, but it’s right in line with what God wants for our lives. 

I have been pondering a lot about what God’s calling is for my life and I can pretty much simplify it into 2 categories.  Some of you might guess it would be to Rwanda and Young Life.  Although that answer seems like it’s right on, that’s not the direction I’m going. 

Category 1:

Love God.  Cliché right?  Well, I hate to tell you this, but God sticks to His clichés like gum sticks to the bottom of your shoe.  No matter where I go in life, I can stand firm in the fact that God loves me and, like in any relationship, He longs to be loved right back.  He wants to be pursued just like a wife wants to be pursued by her husband.  When we strive to love God with a passionate kind of love, our hearts end up stretching out way farther than we thought possible.  He created us to experience a forever kind of love.  That’s the kind of love he gives.  How can we experience the love of God and not have the response to love him in return?  Now THAT seems impossible.

Category 2:

Love others like yourself.  Somehow, this one seems more difficult.  We tend to separate God and people way more than we should.  All people are God’s creation.  We can see small glimpses and likenesses of God through all people because we were all created in His image.  I have a hard time with this because while that is in fact true, the fact that we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God sometimes overrides it.  However, if I could separate people from their sin and see who God created them to be, then it would be impossible not to love them.  Isn’t that what Jesus did?  He didn’t see anyone for the sin they’ve committed.  He spoke to their hearts, not their deeds. 

I can never learn enough lessons from the way Jesus' lived.  His life was all about God, His Father, and all about people getting to know who His Father really was.  He knew that if everyone understood the lengths at which God would go to make things right between us and God, we would respond with a grateful heart and a life of love to give away. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I do believe God has placed Rwanda and Young Life specifically on my heart, but before that, He called me something even greater.  He called me His daughter… and asked that I would love my brothers and sisters just like He loves me.  

 

“You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment.  A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself.”  Matthew 22:37-39

Decision… made

About a month ago, I was transformed.  To give you a visual, think of that beat up yellow Camaro that becomes a fast, strong, and adorable Autobot named Bumblebee.  He is always an Autobot, but hidden by a rough untamed exterior.  He appeared to be a mundane rundown vehicle, but boy did he prove the world wrong!  His true self was projected when he would walk instead of roll.  Love that Bumblebee. 

Bumblebee and me… I bet you don’t think we have that much in common.  No, I’m not an Autobot, although that would be a sweet revelation.  I do find that, minus being a Transformer, I can relate to Bumblebee’s double life.  A lot of the time, I feel like I am that Camaro.  Beat up, mundane, untamed.  I go through times that feel repetitive and meaningless.  Usually those are the times that I am reflecting on my own shortcomings and can’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Even though, since I became a Christian, I have been made new in Christ, I sometimes revert back to my old ways of thinking.  Romans 7:19-20 describes it well when it says, “For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.   Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” 

My transformation came as a result of a decision that I made.  Four about 3 months I waited for an answer from God.  An answer about my future.  I was a Camaro for 3 months.  God was knocking and I was opening the door enough for him to squeeze his face in the crack to tell me that kids need to know Jesus in Kigali.  “Well, yeah!” was my obvious response, “but what more should I do?” was my constant question.  I continued to keep that door only slightly ajar because I thought I had already come up with the solution on my own.  God surely would agree with me.  I mean it was a great plan!  I could continue teaching art at KICS and just go on part-time Young Life staff.  Brilliant!  God uses many different tactics to show us that great plans aren’t necessarily divine plans.  For me, it took 3 months of discouragement toward my “great plan” for me to see that his divine plan would be… well, divine!  I was set against his divine plan for 3 reasons. 

1) It would require me to raise a lot of money and that was intimidating. 

2) It would require me to leave Rwanda for 6 months and live in the States and that was uncomfortable.

3) It would require me to give up teaching art and that was sad.

But alas, in the grand scheme of things, God’s plan won my heart.  “What is God’s divine plan for me?” you might be asking.  To go on full-time International Young Life staff in Kigali, Rwanda :)  After I opened up that door wide enough for him to step through it to reveal his best plan for my life, God rewarded me by giving me unbelievable peace about all those things I was earlier apprehensive about.  Now a different journey begins as I am striving to become more like Bumblebee, the Autobot.  In that aspiration, the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit is they only way that I can come any closer to being the Micki that would be equivalent to the Camaro’s Autobot.  Because of Jesus’ death and resurrection, I never have to be that Camaro again.  Paul says it well when he proclaimed,  “Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?  Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.” Romans 7:24-25