He is Strong

I have been quiet lately.  I usually try to keep this blog up to date each month at least, but I have fallen way behind.  The reason I have failed to speak up on here is mainly because I have been weary and discouraged in the past few months.  Who wants to hear about that?  I would much rather be so encouraged that I can't help but write about all the amazing things I'm discovering about God and seeing him work in me and in the kids and leaders I am pouring into!  I'd much rather share with you the miracles I experience and the revelations God has given me.  I'd much rather be seen as strong and faith-filled than broken and weak.   But alas, I am the latter.  While I'd much rather come to you all put together, instead I am going to proclaim my weaknesses to all of you. 

I have come to a point of emotional and mental exhaustion.  It is no mystery to me why I'm so tired and weak.  I confess that I have been reliant on my own power and wisdom to do so many things; things of Kingdom importance.  I have spent more time planning than praying, more time speaking than seeking, more time doing than being.  Just saying that makes me release a big "ughhh".  I experience frustration with myself for being so ignorant and prideful as to think I can do any of this without God!  Yet, I keep trying.  The Lord has been so patient and gracious with me.  He is gently instructing me and revealing what this really means, "When I am weak, then I am strong."  I've come to realize my limitations.  I have many.  I have filled my life with a bunch of stuff.  Stuff that seemed imperative and good and noble, but when there's so much of it, it loses its significance and becomes just stuff.  Have you ever had that happen in your life?  It isn't the stuff that makes me tired.  It's the fact that the stuff tries to take priority over my time with the Source of Life who would give me the strength, courage, and vision to approach the stuff!  ...The word stuff has strangely lost its meaning now that I've overused it.  Which is exactly how it happens!

I want to eliminate the meaningless "stuff" from my life and focus on my Strong God who brings meaning to all the stuff in my life.  While I certainly can't do all the stuff I want to be able to do, my God can!  I'm learning every day what it means to rely on the Lord by each second.  He is holding me up.  He is lightening my burden.  He is taking on all the stuff.  He is filling me with His joy and peace.  He is my stronghold.  He is all things good and true.  And I am His.  

Freedom

Sometimes I can't figure out what to write in a blog post because I have no inspiration.  Today, I am  struggling to discern which of the many thoughts going through my head are the most worthy to post about.  I've had an epic end to 2013 and also a pretty noteworthy beginning to 2014.  Notice it's already the end of February and I'm still talking about the new year.  I've been kind of stuck in this transitional time.  I miss normalcy and routine, but at the same time, I think my notion of normal has gone out the window since moving my life to Rwanda.

As soon as I arrived back in Rwanda from spending a month in the States, I felt this tremendous pressure.  Pressure to accomplish.  Pressure to jump right back on the horse.  Pressure to get the ball rolling.  Pressure to get over my own personal issues.  Pressure to be somebody who can tackle a task way bigger than me.  Pressure is my worst enemy.  This type of pressure is built on pride which is the absence of trust in God.  When I'm experiencing this pressure, I am experiencing a world where God isn't active.  A world that is based on a lie.

I've been praying for freedom from the weight of this pressure.  It isn't mine to bear.  God reminded me this week that He doesn't ask for me to accomplish anything on my own.  All he asks is for me to love Him through obedience.  Now, some might see that statement and think that God is a dictator of sorts who only wants us to obey His law.  I used to see it that way, but the more I've gotten to know God, the more I understand that there is so much FREEDOM in obeying God without the responsibility of being God!  Because of this, I can move forward each day, knowing that through obeying Him, GOD will accomplish more than I can imagine.  God has never gotten off the horse.  God's ball has never stopped rolling.  God's only issue is with Sin, not with me, and guess what?  He's already conquered that issue.  God gives us freedom to trust Him with all the worries of the world because He cares for us.

Young Life Africa is praying for freedom this year; the type of freedom that Christ died for.  I don't think freedom is spoken of often enough.  And when it is, it can be misconstrued into a worldly type of freedom.  A freedom to sin and live however you want.  This prayer for freedom in Christ is coming alive in the form of a Freedom Walk happening this July!  Click on that link to see what it's about and how you can be praying for freedom where you live as well as in Africa.  Spread the word that God offers the truest form of freedom!

Slaves in the land the Lord gave them

I’ve been on a journey reading my way through the Old Testament for almost 2 years now.  I’m not nearly finished; partially because I switch in some New Testament reading some days and partially because sometimes I get stuck on one chapter and I can’t seem to move past it.  Well, this is one of those times I’m stuck.  I can’t move past Nehemiah 9.  It’s like light to a moth… I can’t help it; it’s so beautiful!  <--quote taken from A Bug’s Life

The whole chapter is a prayer.  Not a prayer like I’ve ever prayed.  A prayer that gives a history lesson of what God has done to bring His people to the promise land and how their ancestors have sinned horribly against God even while He was so faithful in providing for them.  (If you want a brief synopsis of the OT, just read Nehemiah 9.)  I’m stuck here because this prayer is so raw and relatable.  Some examples of their prayers are, “YOU warned them (their ancestors) to return to your Law, but they became proud and obstinate and disobeyed your commands… WE have sinned greatly, you gave us only what we deserved…”  It doesn’t give much room for them to hide their flaws individually or as a group of people.  They also point out to God things like, “YOU displayed miraculous signs and wonders against Pharaoh…  YOU came down at Mount Sinai and spoke to them from heaven… YOU gave them bread from heaven when they were hungry…”  While this prayer also speaks personally for me in the fact that God used this history to bring forth Jesus Christ, who miraculously came from this far-from-perfect group of people, I see even more depth to it than that. 

The last paragraph in Nehemiah 9 sums up with, “So now today we are slaves in the land of plenty that You gave our ancestors for their enjoyment!  We are slaves here in this good land.  The lush produce of this land piles up in the hands of the kings whom you have set over us because of our sins.  They have power over us and our livestock.  We serve them at their pleasure, and we are in great misery.” 

I just keep seeing the irony in that they were enslaved by the very thing that God meant for them to enjoy.  But instead, it taunted them and was a constant reminder of how their sins and their ancestors’ sins got in the way of living out what God intended for them.   This whole prayer is full of repentance, not blame.  It would have been easy for them to blame their ancestors for not being obedient; to blame God for seemingly not holding true to all of His promises.  Blaming is easy.  But they didn’t blame anyone.  They even took responsibility for their ancestors mistakes!  What?  They saw how their own sins got them in this predicament and recognized that their ancestors’ sins were no greater than their own.  They saw that God was being just as well as merciful.

I also think about life and how God gives us all blessings of some sort.  For me, he has blessed me with a wonderful family, sincere friendships, a clear purpose in life, stable health, etc.  However, I am not immune to becoming a slave to any of these things.  What God gives us to enjoy, can easily become a replacement for God’s place in our lives.  We become slaves to the things we worship.  If our lives are all about making and maintaining friends, then friends become our Lord.  If our lives are all about finding and achieving purpose for our lives, then our quest soon becomes what we worship.  While none of these things are inherently bad, they have the potential to take over the throne of Jesus Christ in our hearts.  Whenever this happens on whatever scale, we are miserable human beings.  Why?  Because we were made to worship only one God.  When we worship and serve His creation instead of Him, we end up feeling unfulfilled and incomplete.  Deep down we all know there is more to life than any of us can really experience while on this earth.  I speak in “we” because this is where I am and hope that others can relate to my state.  I want to live the fullness of life that God has for me, but like God’s people in Nehemiah, I recognize that my sins interfere with this far too often.  Even other people’s sins can interrupt what God intended for me to enjoy, just like the ancestor’s sins made a mess for future generations being slaves in the land of plenty.  While that’s true, nothing can interrupt or interfere with God’s love for us or His ultimate plan to redeem us through His Son Jesus Christ.  Nothing.  That is where my hope lies in the midst of this mess of sin.  Where else could I find hope?